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Town Talk

Staff Report

Howdy and welcome to Town Talk, the column that asks the question, “If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”

Movin’ straight into it.

Attainable New Year’s Resolutions

We’re not sure where these started, but this is where they see the light of day.

– Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

– Stop exercising. Waste of time.

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– Read less. Makes you think.

– Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

– Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

– Spend more time at work.

– Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

– Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

– Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

– Get in a whole NEW rut!

– Start being superstitious.

– Personal goal: BRING BACK DISCO.

– Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

– Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

– Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.

–Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

– Not eat cloned meat.

– Create loose ends.

– Get more toys.

– Get further in debt.

– Not believe politicians.

– Break at least one traffic law.

–Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

– Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

– Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

– Stay off the MIR space station.

– Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.

– Not swim with piranhas or sharks.

– Associate with even worse business clients.

–Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

– Wait around for opportunity.

– Focus on the faults of others.

– Mope about my faults.