Howdy and welcome to Town Talk, the column that reminds you that kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Movin’ right into it.
Today is Super Bowl Sunday, the Real Man’s High Holy Day. It’s in Houston, and there are a few things you need to know.
n You must learn to pronounce the name of the city. It is “Hue-stun,” not “Ewe-ston,” and definitely not “How-ston.” The street named San Felipe is pronounced “San FIL-uh-pee,” not “San Fi-LEEP” or “San Fay-LEE-pay.”
n Forget any traffic rules you learned anywhere else. Houston has its own version of traffic rules. They are called “Hold on and pray.” There is no such thing as a high-speed chase in Houston. Everyone drives like that.
n The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic “a scenic drive.” It is if you love seeing wrecks and people risking their lives changing tires, running through pot holes, slamming on your brakes to avoid a collision, having people cut you off, seeing a lot of people’s middle fingers, and exhaust fumes.
n The morning rush hour is from 5 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. The noon-hour rush is 11 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. The evening rush hour is 2 p.m. to 8 p.m., sometimes 9 p.m. (or 3 a.m. during floods, which we call “ponding”). The teenagers take the streets from 9 p.m. through 5 a.m., and Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
n If you actually stop at a yellow light, you WILL be rear-ended, or at least cussed out, and/or possibly shot.
n Kuykendahl Road can be pronounced ONLY by a native Houstonian. (It is pronounced “Kirk-n-doll.”)
n All unexplained smells are accompanied by the phrase “Oh, we must be near Pasadena.”
n If someone actually has his turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect and should be ignored.
n All Suburbans have the right-of-way, unless you are driving an 18-wheeler, a Hummer, or perhaps a Bradley tank (or an Excursion).
n The wrought-iron bars on windows in East Houston are NOT ornamental.
n Never honk at the driver of a car with a bumper sticker that says, “Keep honking. I’m reloading.” In fact, don’t honk at anyone.
n If you are in the left lane, and going only 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, the people who are passing you are not really waving at you.
n If it is 100 degrees outside, then Jan. 1 must be next weekend.
n When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to the state of Louisiana.
Who wants to be a college student?
A trio of local kids did good in the third annual Who Wants to be a College Student? competition. From Edwards Elementary are Cash Edwards, Bailey Garton and Torey Hanrahan. Young Cash played for additional scholarship dollars at the final event on Sunday at Invesco Field at Mile High in Denver. It’s a mock game show loosely modeled after “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?”
Locks of Love
A bunch of wonderful young people from the Vail Valley Charitable Fund are doing the Locks of Love thing. Show up at Riverwalk Cuts and Tans, 3-6 p.m. Thursday, Feb. 5. All you need is a heart of gold, 10 inches of hair and a willingness to donate it. It goes to Locks of Love, who makes wigs for sick kids. They’re looking for sponsors to the tune of $10 an inch. Call Charitable Fund Boss Lady Tracy Kurt at 748-0868.
This just in
Is it just us, or does that little vehicle running around Mars look like a golf cart with a drilling rig on the front. It’s the ultimate Republican ride – a golf cart that will drill for oil while you’re playing.