Howdy and welcome to Town Talk, the column that was tempted to share inspirational messages for the holiday season, but decided on other stuff instead.Movin’ right into it.Today’s holiday hijinksIf it’s December, it must be time for Christmas music. Unfortunately, that means it’s also time for bad Christmas music. Every year, it seems someone, somewhere comes up with a Christmas song that takes holiday lameness to a new level. Well, we say to heck with lameness. If it’s lousy Christmas music you want, we say forget lame and go straight for hideously inappropriate. Herewith, then, are the Top 10 Inappropriate Christmas Songs That Someone Should Write, and Soon:10. Mommy, Who’s Gonna Be Uncle Santa This Year? (God, Please Not That Idiot Duane)9. Gophers Roasting On An Open Fire (For Nick Nickolich)8. Daddy Robbed A Liquor Store For Christmas7. Christmas Is For Children (The Michael Jackson version)
6. Rocko The Red-Eyed Bagman5. Back In Jail For Christmas4. Mr. Hanky The Christmas Poo (Oops, somebody already wrote that one.) 3. Stuck In Chimney Again2. I Got Whacked With A Yule LogAnd the all-time most Inappropriate Christmas Song:1. All I Want for Christmas is My Case Dismissed (written by Pamela Mackey and Kobe Bryant)We’ll give away free Vail Daily T-shirts for your suggestions. Either e-mail email@example.com, or call 949-0555, ext. 615.Salvation Army Scum Alert
Someone had better pray there’s a purgatory, because you cannot overcome the karma debt incurred for stealing a Salvation Army kettle. That’s right, some low-down, drop-case low-life stole a Salvation Army kettle full of money last Tuesday evening at the Vail Safeway. It seems one of the bell-ringers accidentally left the kettle on the stand while she grabbed her coat to keep warm. While she had her back turned, some crotch swatch stole it. Bring it back, right now. If you know who did it, smack the snot out of them with the aforementioned kettle and bring it back yourself.Ring in the holidaysAnd while we’re there, the Salvation Army still needs community volunteers to ring the bells at local area markets this holiday season. Call Salvation Army at 926-3704 or 471-0853 to volunteer.Birthday brigadeCongratulations, Adam Dubrowski, on the completion of another year from the day of your birth as well as your first year as a dad! Love, Summer and Jenifer.VVCTB mixer and toy drive
This very evening, the Vail Valley Chamber and Tourism Bureau is hosting its Business After Hours Mixer and Toy Drive. Bring an unwrapped toy for a child newborn to age 10, 5-7 p.m., to Bullcrabs in West Vail. Do good while listening to the Harry Baxter Band. It’s free for VVCTB members and $15 for others.Stinky’s backStinky Pierre’s Inter-Cafe and open mic night returns, 7-9 p.m., Wednesday, Dec. 15. It’s in the lower level of the Vail Chapel. It’s free and it’s some of the most talented people in the valley. You could be one of them. For information or to book a time slot, call Kim at 476-6610.Heuga goes intergalacticThe Heuga Center segment shot at their Long Island CAN DO Program in October aired on The CBS Early Show Tuesday, during the last half hour of the show. It was fabulous and a welcome change of pace from all the Scott Peterson chatter.Vail Colorado
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