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Town Talk

Our spies, who are everywhere, have noticed a conspicuous absence of Christmas religious-type stuff at Beaver Creek. The Powers That Be, i.e. The Company in the Company Town, have ordered all figures and references to the Baby Jesus and other religios stuff off Beav public property.

They are, of course, trying to please everyone all the time. It seems that a couple years ago they got complaints about the manger scenes and menorah from atheists, Hindus and others who couldn’t connect with the holiday’s underlying theme – unless you count a gold card as a religious icon, and this is the Beav so it might be.

The Beav’s Amazin’ Emily Jacob is being pretty darned good natured, given the amount of cajoling she gets about this. This year, someone put a manger scene out by mistake and had to take it down.

To the Beav’s credit, no one else’s religious icons are allowed, either, unless you count Druids, who are said to believe that god lives in trees – which makes the entire White River National Forest a religious icon that needs to come down. We suggest you start with the area around the starter castles on Spraddle Creek, where corporate coneheads are still whining about an affordable housing complex bringing the unwashed masses to their gated enclave, and Vail’s infamous Bubble Headed Bubble Haters.

As an aside, has anyone from the unwashed masses considered filing a lawsuit against the Spraddle Creaks (spelled that way on purpose) for screwing up our view corridor of that particular mountainside?

Despite all the New Age silliness and Politically Correct palaver that surrounds renaming winter festivals of various sorts, The Titans of Town Talk firmly believe that Jesus is the reason for the season.

This is the part where we express an almost irrepressible desire to grab a pool cue and wade through the idiots who brought us political correctness.

Movin’ right along.

Le Patch fights le fat

We love it when some under-employed publicist sends us stuff like Le Patch, not to be confused with Le Pew, the Looney Toons cartoon skunk – although they’re both from France.

Here’s the deal.

You stick Le Patch on some hairless part of your person, which is easy if you’re a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, but a much more problematic if you’re a redneck defensive tackle festooned with follicles. You use one patch a day, moving them from hairless place to hairless place to avoid irritation, and in a few weeks you’ll have lost about 12 pounds.

Of course, you have to combine this with regular exercise, sensible eating and drinking eight glasses of water every day.

Seems to us like Le Patch might as well be Le Bandaid for all the fat melting it does.

It says here Le Patch is made of sea kelp, which, according to Town Talk’s crack research staff (which means we pretty much made it up) sea kelp is what walruses and sea otters eat.

So, campers, to look like a walrus or sea otter, we suggest Le Patch. For Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, our research staff suggests Le Patch, and very little else.

Candlelight Christmas caroling service

Lee Rimel ascended Town Talk Towers to let you know that the harmonious folks at Unity of the Mountain Church are hosting a Candlelight Christmas caroling service on Sunday. They meet at 5:30 p.m. at the Avon Library. They’ve promised to stay with the carols you actually know the words to. Call 970-390-4256. Go there. Make a joyful noise.

Holiday gift suggestion

For the extraordinarily literate, gift certificates are available for the third annual Festival of Words. The actual event is April 26, 2003 at the Park Hyatt Hotel in Beaver Creek. Call the Bookwork in Edwards, 926-7323, or Verbatim Booksellers in Vail, 476-3032.

Library merriment

The Vail Public Library’s Fireside Family Holiday Party is 6-8 p.m. today in the library. Stories and songs, Holiday treats, and, best of all, Santa, will all be part of the merriment. Children of all ages welcome when accompanied by an adult. The event is free. For more information, contact Ann Sinton at 479-2186.

Carlson’s Kindermusik

The next session of Kindermusik begins Jan. 8. It’s a developmental music program for children from birth to 7 years old. Classes will be offered Wednesday, Thursday and Friday mornings. Call Melinda Carlson at 476-8903 or 390-4881.

Pat and Peter’s holiday benefit concert

The annual Pat Hamilton and Peter Vavra Holiday Christmas Concert is 7:30 p.m. Friday, Dec. 20, at the Beaver Creek Chapel. It’s a benefit the Eagle Valley Salvation Army, will feature material from album, “You Are My Christmas.” For more info, call Susie Davis, 926-3788.

Toys for Tots needs you

Christmas in the Eagle River Valley is a difficult time for many families. Please help out by donating a $10 toy, game or appropriate gift for a child or teen. Cash donations are deposited in a Toys for Tots Toy Fund. Local businesses and organizations are encouraged to involve employees by asking for donations at company parties. You can drop off donations at City Market, Safeway, Columbine Market, the Eagle Pharmacy, all local banks, or any emergency service agency. Toys for Tots and the Salvation Army will make certain that deserving youth in the valley will receive your gifts. For details or more information, call the Salvation Army, any emergency service agency, or Toys for Tots chairman, Nick Frenze at 524-7705.

Avon PD toy drive

And while you’re Christmas shopping, the Avon Police Department is running their annual Avon P.D. Toy Drive. Bring an unwrapped toy, or cash, to the Avon P.D. offices. Do it now. Call 949-0358, or Bert at the police department, 748-4040.

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