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TOWN TALK

The wonderful women at the Eagle Chapter of the Order of the Eastern Star are running their annual Chili and Potato Soup Supper next Friday, Feb. 28. Dinner starts at 5:30 p.m., and costs $5 for seniors and kids (children under 4 eat free), $7 for other people and $20 per family. It’s at the Masonic Lodge in Eagle, at the corner of 3rd and Capital streets in Eagle. The Eastern Star supports the Excelsior Home for troubles girls; local, state and national; scholarship programs; stuffed animal programs for law enforcement agencies and other charities.

Scenic crews

The spectacular scenic photography of Mike Crabtree is yours for the viewing at the Vail Public Library, through the end of the month. That’s all you need to know. Go there. Be impressed.

Scavenging the slopes

For 35 bucks you get to engage in unbridled fun having with Meet the Wilderness. March 15 is their 8th annual Hit the Slopes for Youth, a skiing scavenger hunt. You get a lift ticket as part of the deal, then you and a bunch of like-minded folks go around the mountain trying to sort out cryptic clues. Every time you solve a clue you get a raffle ticket. At 3 p.m. everyone goes back to the Marriott for bluegrass music, the raffle, food and more general fun having. Call 926-9376.

The Vagina Monologues

This Broadway smash hit is seriously cool. Since 1996, Eve Ensler’s interviews with women have been translated on stage and have received rave reviews for being “hilarious and deeply disturbing,” according to the New York Times. It’s 7:30 p.m. Tuesday and Wednesday at the Vilar Center. Tickets are $48, and worth every dime.

The History of French Warfare

Some folks in the United Nations are having a tough time convincing France that even though they’re making billions of dollars from Iraq, it might be best for the common good if they took an IOU.

Some wag said: “Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage.”

We didn’t write this, but we wish we had.

– Gallic Wars – Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000

years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

– Hundred Years War – Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.”

– Italian Wars – Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

– Wars of Religion – France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

– Thirty Years War – France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other

participants started ignoring her.

– War of Devolution – Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as

chapeaux.

– The Dutch War – Tied

– War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

– War of the Spanish Succession – Lost. The War also gave the French their

first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

– American Revolution – In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

– French Revolution – Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

– The Napoleonic Wars – Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

– The Franco-Prussian War – Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

– World War I – Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

– World War II – Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and

Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

– War in Indochina – Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with

the Dien Bien Flu

– Algerian Rebellion – Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army

by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

– War on Terrorism – France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.


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