Town talk for 12/16
Howdy and welcome to Town Talk, the column that has not yet finished its Christmas shopping.Today’s holiday gift suggestionWe, the Titans of Town Talk, did not write this, and have no idea where it came from. But if we ever find out, we’re going to give the author a medal. It goes like this:Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Colorado Market: • Highlands Ranch Barbie This princess Barbie is only sold at Park Meadows Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version.
• Englewood BarbieThis modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. • Colfax BarbieThis recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about. • Cherry Creek Barbie This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them. • Commerce City Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six pack of Coors light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit more than five feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s tail when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.• Aspen Barbie This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the lodge. Percocet prescription available.• Federal Heights Barbie This tobacco chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Commerce City Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low rise acid washed jeans, fake finger nails, and a see through halter top. Also available with a mobile home containing a meth lab. Green Cards are not available for Barbie or Ken.• Boulder BarbieThis Barbie is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow.” She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Boulder Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free. • Aurora Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his ’79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. • Arvada Barbie She’s perfect in every way. We don’t know who Ken is because he’s always hunting. • Greeley Barbie This Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a Meat Packers uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. • Trinidad Barbie/Ken This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple “snap-on.”
Saving lives for ChristmasFor the person who has everything, choose an alternative Christmas gift that can actually save lives. First Lutheran Church of Gypsum is selling maize bag ornaments to help feed the hungry in Darfur, Sudan. Each bag replicates a 100 pound sack of grain that can feed a dozen Sudanese people for several months. The bags, available for $22 each, (includes shipping & handling) are available by writing to: FLC, PO Box 391, Gypsum, CO 81637. Make your check payable to First Lutheran church, and write “Maize Bag” on the memo line of your check. Please include a note, specifying your order, your name, or the recipient’s name and address. Your order will be mailed out before Christmas. Call 524-7919.Go SkeaSkea Limited, a local high-end ski and apres ski apparel manufacturer, will be highlighted on 9News Friday morning with Greg Moss. Skea, with corporate offices in Eagle-Vail, will be shown on the “Where in the town is Greg Moss” segment of 9News’ 6 a.m. edition. The segment will be filmed at Skea’s Denver factory and Greg Moss will interview Diane Boyer-Irwin, president of Skea. Support a locally owned company and watch for Skea Friday morning at 6 a.m.Vail Colorado