Town Talk for Dec. 9, 2002
1. A day without sunshine is like, night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
7. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
8. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
9. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
10. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
11. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
12. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
13. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
14. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
15. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
16. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
17. Get a new car for your spouse. It’ll be a great trade!
18. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
19. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
20. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
21. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…
22. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
23. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
24. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
31. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
32. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
33. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
34. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
35. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
Should have known
Some things to think about as we move into the Christmas season:
n According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
n Female reindeer retain their antlers til after they give birth in the spring…
n Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl. We should have known…
n Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!
Explaining his claim
A farmer who’s been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.
“I understand you’re claiming damages for the injuries you’re supposed to have suffered?” stated the counsel for the insurance company.
“Yes, that’s right,” replied the farmer, nodding his head.
“You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, “I’ve never felt better in my life.’ Is that the case?”
“Yeah .. but,” stammered the farmer.
“A simple yes or no will suffice,” counsel interrupted quickly.
“Yes,” Replied the farmer.
Then it was the turn of the farmer’s counsel to ask him questions.
“Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health,” his lawyer said.
“Certainly,” replied the farmer. “After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. “Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling.
“Now, what the heck would you have said to him?”