Two flip-flopping peas in a pod
Feb. 2, 2004. That was the date, and this was the place.Right here on this very page on that first Tuesday in February is when I predicted a tag team of John Kerry and John Edwards to represent the downtrodden, the depressed, the poor, the unsuccessful and, of course, the appeasing delusional.Yes, I claimed the John-John ticket to storm the Democratic Convention in Boston with the message to all liberals:”I went to war, he grew up poor, now we’re both rich, but we still love to hear you b****!”Don’t they look just look positively adorable together?Unfortunately, though, by sidestepping Richard Gephardt, Kerry has taken away all the punch lines commiserate with “another Dick in the White House,” thus leaving hundreds of political satirist scrambling for one-liners about one-term senators with TV evangelist hair and a Jimmy Carter smile.Although these two WASPs were very busy stinging each other just mere weeks ago, today they’re having a love fest of affection everywhere they appear, singing each other’s praises while trying to convince liberal Joes of their mutual respect.In January, Edwards was claiming Kerry offered “the same old Washington talk that people have been listening to for decades,” and that his budget proposals did not add up and “would drive us deeper and deeper into deficit.” Didn’t sound like buddies to me.Kerry, of course, responded with an, “I know you are but what am I?” Edwards constantly portrayed Kerry as a typical Washington politician who promises more new government spending than he can pay for, while he himself offers a fresh, outside-the-Beltway voice. He also brushed aside questions about his own wealth by noting that Kerry is “a lot richer.”Well, whoopdee-friggin-doo.At the same time Kerry was making Clintonesque claims:”Most importantly, I do something John Edwards doesn’t do, which is make health care available to every single American family.”How he proposes to do such is never made clear. I assume he socialistically believes cheap health insurance is a capitalistic entitlement. But hey, they’re only words during election season anyway.Kerry also accused his future running mate of dishonesty, complaining “there’s nothing, nothing in the returns in 18 out of 20 primaries and caucuses so far that documents what John Edwards has just said. I won independents and Republicans in Iowa!” Moderator Larry King said, “You mean he’s not telling the truth?” Kerry replied, “There’s nothing that documents what he just said.”Sounds like calling someone a liar to me.He even bullied Edwards during a debate for refusing to say whether he regretted his vote for military action in Iraq. Kerry growled, “You were asked a yes-or-no question: Do you regret your vote?”Yeah, these guys love each other, you betcha.Kerry, of course, voted for that same declaration, though he later also voted not to supply with appropriate protection the very troops he had sent to fight. How equal are they on an immensely important issue like trade? Kerry voted for the Chilean trade agreement, Edwards against.Kerry voted for the Singapore trade agreement, Edwards against.Kerry voted for the African trade agreement, Edwards against.Kerry voted for the Caribbean trade agreement, Edwards against.Kerry voted for NAFTA, Edwards against. (Although J.E. wasn’t in the Senate at the time of the vote, he was publicly against it).Yeah, these guys are perfect for each other, as now they appear to agree on everything. Isn’t it wonderful? It’s a virtual left-sided match made in liberal heaven; a zombie and a Ken doll; Lurch and Beaver Cleaver; Droopy Dawg and Dudley DooRight.I think Dan Rather of CBS put it best when he asked Edwards, “Does he have enough Elvis?” referring to whether Kerry was likable and charismatic enough to sway voters.Edwards thought not.My suspicious mind says it’s now or never for hound dog Kerry, and the good luck charm of Edwards might not be enough, leaving them both all shook up and spending a blue Christmas at the Heartbreak Hotel for liberal losers.(For those keeping track, that was seven Elvis tracks in one sentence.)However, just because I predicted the pairing does not mean I think it was a bad idea, as I now predict President Bush and Dick Cheney could not be happier going up against these two insincere bozos.But Kerry is right in one regard. They do have better hair.Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
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