Unplayable Lies, A Sort of Golf Fable
And it came to pass that the 12 tribes of Israel divided themselves into foursomes for a round of golf. God instructed them to carry nothing with them as they teed off, but, lo, they were disobedient and carried with them a multitude of mulligans.
As they journeyed on their way, their play was abysmal and they sliced as far as the East is from the West. Their play was also slow. The followers of St. Nicklaus said unto them, “Let my people play through!” But cholesterol and high greens fees had hardened their hearts, and they refused.
Their journey continued at a snail’s pace, and again the followers of St. Nicklaus said unto them, “Let my people play through!” But again they would not. Because they were obstinate, an angel smote them with the Heavenly Hook, and their tee shots were sacrificed to the desert wilderness. Their penalty strokes were as numerous as the stars in the firmament, and St. Nicklaus and his followers were released from their bondage and played through.
Despite these signs and miracles, the foursomes wrote not the truth upon their scorecards. They spoke to one another in low voices, saying, “Yea, let us agree to write down a ‘5,’ even though it was an ‘8,’ for no one will know.” But their skullduggery was heard On High and a plague of triple bogeys was caused to rain down upon them. As their shots sailed wildly left and right, great was their frustration, and greater were the numbers in their score.
And they tore their scorecards in twain and cried out, “Why hast thou persecuted us?” And a voice from On High replied, saying, “Thou hast dealt falsely in thy scorekeeping, and thou hadst better knock it off or thou will find thyselves hitting from the deep rough throughout all eternity!”
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The foursomes repented, sacrificed their mulligans in a bunker and continued toward the Promised Land of Even Par, following the flaming graphite staff of St. Nicklaus, which he swung so well it appeared as a pillar of fire. As they approached the Promised Land of Even Par, the foursomes sent seven spies into the Back Nine. Six of them returned with warnings, saying, “We cannot play the Back Nine, for there are giants guarding the greens. But St. Nicklaus said unto them, “Straight is the way and narrow are the fairways that leadeth to breaking par. We can conquer it, for it is birdie country!”
And so it was that St. Nicklaus delivered unto his ball a mighty smite, but it soared toward the water. St. Nicklaus raised his graphite staff and the waves parted. His shot rolled through on dry land, and the shots of his followers also. But Pharaoh and his army had been crowding St. Nicklaus’ foursome all day. And when Pharaoh and his army followed, the waters closed in upon them and they were penalized stroke and distance.
But even in the wake of these miracles, the foursomes became prideful. While they were encamped as a spot about 210 yards from the 18th green, they picked up a 1-iron with which to strike their final blow.
As they addressed the ball, a great wind buffeted their sunburned faces. But God was not in the wind. And the wind was followed by a great earthquake, causing their putts to break in an inexplicable manner. But God was not in the earthquake. After the wind and earthquake subsided, there came a still, small voice saying, “Thou arrogant and prideful people! Dost thou not know that only God can hit a 1-iron!”