Vail Daily column: Delusion turned affliction
Take heart, fellow middle-aged guys. We can now join the never-ending quest for victimhood and martyrdom.
We have HDS, Hotness Delusional Syndrome.
I feel oppressed already.
Researchers, trolling bars in the name of academic enlightenment, found that Men of a Certain Age are being fervently pursued by women of that same age because there are fewer single men than single women in their 40s. It makes us feel hotter than we actually are.
Of course, Hotness Delusional Syndrome is only possible because men are eaten up with an affliction called Testosterone
Testosterone Poisoning and Hotness Delusional Syndrome enable men to look reality straight in the eye and deny its existence – a feature that comes as standard equipment on most guys, along with the tendency to shout the manly motto, “Hold my beer, and watch this!”
Men suffering from Testosterone Poisoning and Hotness Delusional Syndrome will stand in front of a mirror and see the 21-year-old hard body they used to be, pound their chest and bellow, “You good-lookin’ son of a gun. Don’t you never die!”
They see hot and taut and think their Personal Reasons for Living should see it, too.
And when men look at their Personal Reasons for Living, they see nothing but the 21-year-old hard body you used to be.
So you can see how much fun delusional nonreality can be.
Women don’t have the high ground, either, displaying the same tendencies as men. KPMG demographer Bernard Salt warns, “beware the cougar” because as the laws of supply and demand are applied to humans, a shortage of eligible 40-something bachelors means confident, well-educated older women prowling for younger mates.
But women that age really are hot. Men just think we are.
The cure for men suffering from Hotness Delusional Syndrome?
And for women who’ve been contaminated when Testosterone Poisoning oozes onto them, to cure it you just have to buy two new shoes and call your Beloved Uncle Randy in the morning.
Randy Wyrick has Hotness Delusional Syndrome as badly as anyone in this spiral arm of the universe. He can be reached at 970-748-2935 or firstname.lastname@example.org.
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