Vail Daily column: How jealous are you?
July 2, 2010
How jealous a person are you? Is jealousy a problem in your relationship? How often has jealousy been a problem in your previous relationships? Take this quiz to see how affected you are by jealous feelings. On a scale from 1 (no jealousy/no) to 7 (extreme jealousy/yes), figure out which number best fits how you would likely feel:
Your mate spends a great deal of time at a party talking with someone else.
Your mate spends a great deal of time during a party dancing with someone else.
During a party, your mate is flirtatious and spends a great deal of time dancing intimately and behaving provocatively with someone else.
You are at a party and you briefly realize you don’t know where your mate is.
You are at a party and your mate disappears for a long period of time.
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You call your mate and the line is busy.
Your phone rings and the caller hangs up or says “wrong number.”
Your mate expresses admiration of a movie or a television star.
Your mate expresses appreciation of an attractive stranger passing by.
Your mate expresses appreciation/interest in a casual acquaintance.
Your mate socializes with single available people.
Your mate has a close friend of your sex.
Your mate has a close friend of your sex who is single and available.
An ex-flame attempts to re-establish contact with your partner.
How jealous were you during childhood/adolescence?
Do people with whom you have been intimate consider you jealous?
Is your jealousy a problem in your current relationship?
How jealous are you?
How much jealousy would you experience if your partner had a love affair many years ago before being partnered with you?
If your partner had a love affair many years ago while with you?
If your partner recently had a casual one-night stand?
If your partner had affairs, but assured you it was caused by a need for variety that in no way would affect your relationship?
If your partner had a serious affair?
If your partner announced that s/he had fallen in love with someone else?
Do you consider your jealousy to be a problem?
Do you like being jealous?
If you could get rid of your jealousy completely, would you want to?
Do you like your partner to be jealous?
Can you make yourself stop being jealous?
Total your score. In my experience, any score over 87 is likely to cause you some problems, and any score over 116 is likely to cause you major problems. These questions came from Ayala Pines in the book “Romantic Jealousy” (Routledge Publishing). If you are or have been plagued by jealousy issues, she recommends that you examine three questions:
Exactly what is it that makes you jealous? That she’s going out without you? That he seems to enjoy her more than you?
What is at the heart of your jealousy? Envy of your rival? Fear of loss? Fear of abandonment? Humiliation? A threat to the relationship? A threat to your ego? That it confirms you’re not good enough?
Is this component of jealousy related to an old experience you might have had in your childhood? How? Could the current threat be related to what you found most rewarding about your mate’s love at the beginning of the relationship?
I will discuss what good can come out of jealousy in next week’s column.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Westminster and Boulder specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303-758-8777, or e-mail him from his website, http://www.heartrelationships.com.