Vail Daily column: Religion and evolution to wed |

Vail Daily column: Religion and evolution to wed

Robert Valko
Dear Darwin
Vail, CO Colorado

It’s rumored that religion and evolution are going to walk down the aisle. The two have decided to join forces and conquer the evil that is quantum physics – the new kid on the “where did we come from” block.

Cream-cheese pinwheels and absinthe will be served after the ceremony. The Alzheimer’s like-effects resulting from the two should daze people enough to prevent bickering over whether religion was dating evolution or vice versa.

This is a critical point. As one female ski patroller once said about a guy she was seeing: “He’s not dating me; I’m dating him.” (See my earlier pieces on how women are the stronger sex.)

The pickles and cream cheese in the pinwheels will come from Whole Foods, while the ham will come from the Vatican. The Pope will send out smoke signals after the decision has been made to pull the meat from the smoker.

And if the pinwheels are rolled with lox, the fish will be donated by a certain Jewish Yellow Jacket. (Due to his seafood allergy, however, someone else will have to deliver it. This will also prevent Ski Patrol from having to use an EpiPen pin on him, thus freeing him to do a little dance, make a little love, and get down at night.) He’s also known to dress in pink while skiing. Thank Darwin he’s not allergic to pork chops.

Why the union of the Hatfields and McCoys? Evolution and Religion? In short: if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Actually, both are past middle-aged now and are at the point where, if they don’t find someone soon, they never will. It’s a marriage of convenient desperation.

The Best Man, John Wheeler, will speak during the dinner. Actually, a hologram of him will do the talking. He was one of the twentieth century’s leading physicists and a colleague of Einstein’s. He’s expected to say things similar to those said in a 2002 interview. His ideas are based on data emerging from the field of quantum physics. He coined the phrase “Genesis by observer-ship,” to describe his-and many others’- impression of the inexplicable findings.

The experimental data have shown that the subatomic universe is highly impressionable, that it behaves very differently when human eyes are on it – when researchers observe it.

He dropped a few small bombs in the above article, including: “A physicist’s observations determine whether an atom, say, behaves like a fluid wave or a hard particle, or which path it follows in traveling from one point to another.”

“According to the rules of quantum mechanics, our observations influence the universe at the most fundamental levels.”

“Our observations, might actually contribute to the creation of physical reality. We are not simply bystanders on a cosmic stage; we are shapers and creators living in a participatory universe.”

Thus, first came the chicken – us and our physical-plane-generating souls – then came the egg: the universe. Or, as Paul Davies calls it: the youniverse. He’s is a physicist at Arizona State University who’s also friendly to the Genesis-by-observer-ship theory. Curiously, Scientologists have been saying that our eternal souls have been creating reality all along.

This does not mean that God does not exist or that evolution didn’t happen (though evolution may not have happened, as those mentioned above are skeptical about how the past and future could exist). We may be creating the present moment by moment. But just in case we’re not, the Pope accepted evolution in 1996.

At the end of the day, the most important thing is that Porkchop does a little dance, makes a little love, and gets dowwwwn.

Robert Valko is a graduate of Northwestern University. E-mail him with column ideas at

Support Local Journalism