Vail Daily column: Women are the stronger sex part II | VailDaily.com

Vail Daily column: Women are the stronger sex part II

Robert Valko
Dear Darwin
Vail, CO Colorado

If you read “Women are stronger part I,” you found, hands down, that women really are the stronger sex. Not to fear, many women are lobbying to get funding for the floundering male gender.

Indeed, a bill is currently making its way through the House and Senate that will give free cans of ravioli to males unable to follow directions. Be careful though guys, the fine print clearly states that males who fail to pull into gas stations for directions will be exempt from such handouts, including Spaghettiios.

The proof is in their pudding-heads. Recent research shows that the bowls of pudding on top of mens’ shoulders interpret all incoming verbal stimuli as the wawa-wawawa sounds emitted by the Charlie Brown teacher – especially during game time.

Though there are many theories as to the cause of male-pattern-listening-syndrome, there is no clear-cut answer. Some have speculated however that a head full of words can be distracting when you’re admiring the new hedge trimmers.

Actually, when it comes to processing language, its been found that male and female brains are very different. Women have a two-lane super highway, while men have a beat-up old dirt road. In other words, the female brain uses both hemispheres to process and produce language, while men get full use of their elbows. (haha, actually, only the left hemisphere for guys.)

And speaking of ravioli and hunger, it has been found that the cries of a baby are louder than chain saws and helicopters, according to the Starkey Hearing Foundation. Really.

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This is because babies know that their dads are tone deaf and have auditory dyslexia. This is why they come into the world whaling in a language that gets through to men: Wawawa-waw x100.

Actually, it’s hypothesized by evolutionary biologist Amotz Zahavi, that babies’ cries break the sound barrier to blackmail their parents.

Huh?

Well, at least this is the case with baby birds, and may not be far off the mark human babies.

By crying loud, baby birds put out an alert to all the predators in the area: “Here we are, come and get us…we’re ripe for the pickin’.”

This throws the parents into a tizzy. The act of blackmail forces the parents to feed them, thus keeping their bellowing mouths shut. Indeed, in nature, some baby animals expose themselves to danger to ensure they get attention from their parents.

Wild piglets and fledgling babblers (a type of bird) are prime examples. The piglets have bold stripes running over their bodies while the baby birds are yellow, black and brown, colors that stand out in their desert environment. Their eggs are emerald green.

In the words of Zahavi, “This behavior can be explained by the fact that the danger to which the fledgling exposes itself forces its parents and caretakers to devote more attention to it.”

Might human babies be up to the same? Possibly. We’ve only been out of the outback for about 10,000 years. We were living in the wild for a mere 7 million years prior. Its voice is the only defense a baby has. Being louder than a hedge trimmer comes in handy, especially when you’re dealing with men.

Robert Valko is a graduate of Northwestern University. For a list of the academic sources used to write this piece, email Robert at vailko@yahoo.com