Vail Daily columnist Richard Carnes: A little something for everyone
With no time to waste, here is my 2011 list of what I wish for the following carbon-based lifeforms to discover underneath their respective Christmas trees on Sunday morning:
Denver Broncos: at least one game played well from beginning to end, a playoff berth and credit as a team for the season.
Tim Tebow: a how-to book on self-confidence (it’s all you, Bubba, not magic) and for his evangelical fans, the realization that every single thing he has accomplished could have been accomplished by a nonbeliever, as well.
Lindsay Vonn: happiness of the kind that doesn’t require ski equipment.
Jerry Sandusky: a padded prison cell for life, with each pad covered with photos of his (alleged) victims and lined with electrified wires activated by touch.
Participate in The Longevity Project
The Longevity Project is an annual campaign to help educate readers about what it takes to live a long, fulfilling life in our valley. This year Kevin shares his story of hope and celebration of life with his presentation Cracked, Not Broken as we explore the critical and relevant topic of mental health.
Those who think Sandusky jokes are tasteless: a Catholic joke book penned by victims of convicted priests.
Bernie Madoff: a prison cell lined with razor blades and a never-ending desire to shave.
Rob Blagojevich: a prison cell covered with 14 years’ worth of reasons to keep your stupid mouth shut.
Kim Jong Il: nothing – thankfully, he’s dead now, but I do hope each of “his” people get a free meal out of it.
Iranian President Ahmadinejad: face time with a drone still under U.S. military control.
U.S. military: a hearty “Welcome home!” along with a promise to never again pull such a wasteful stunt with your lives.
Democratic Party: a backbone.
Republican Party: a clue (Hint: Newt’s a deal killer).
President Obama: a reason to fill out a resume.
For any politician who signs any pledge to do, or not do, something: The realization that it is your actions, not your signature, that show where you stand on an issue.
Those wanting to ban religious displays at Christmas: half a lump of coal.
Those wanting to force religious displays at Christmas: the other half.
My secular friends: another year of helping others discover rational thought while enjoying a life free from dogmatic delusions and fears.
My sectarian friends: another year of discovering rational thought to overcome your dogmatic delusions and fears.
Rob Katz: an “I Wish You Were Here” postcard from Vail. (I gave him this gift before, but he obviously did not receive it.)
George Gillett: his old company back.
Bill Jensen: his old job back.
Happy Valley: measurable snowfall each night, with at least eight hours of sunshine each day (hell, even every third day would be nice at this point).
My three boys: Although you will receive gifts, I wish for you to have another year of knowing you do not really need any.
Lise Carnes: whatever she wants (never to be confused with what she needs).
And for everyone else, I sincerely hope you receive whatever you wish for, as long as that wish is logical, affordable, reasonable, promotes the use of alternative fuels, helps the environment and the economy, makes you feel good about yourself, leaves no one else in debt, promotes charitable organizations and does not offend the Flying Spaghetti Monster (praise be his noodly goodness).
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Richard Carnes, of Edwards, writes weekly. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.