Vail Daily columnist Richard Carnes: No cracks in this crystal ball
I was not old enough to vote in 1976, but I clearly remember in 1980 saying that Jimmy Carter would not repeat as president of the United States.
Although not exactly a stretch at the time, I was right.
It was also quite the verbal slam dunk when I said the same (sans the repeat) about Mondale in ’84, Dukakis in ’88, Perot in ’92 and Dole in ’96, but again, I was correct each time.
I was close to being wrong about Al Gore in 2000, and very surprisingly almost wrong about John (Ketchup) Kerry in 2004 (although in a Vail Daily column what I actually said was that his wife, Teresa, would never be first lady).
In 2007 I wrote that Hilary Clinton would never be president, and followed up a year later with — due 100 percent to the fruitcake from Alaska — a guarantee that John McCain would never reach the top of America’s Mount Olympus.
Suffice it to say that since reaching adulthood, I have never been wrong when it comes to presidential elections. (Note for those not paying attention: I never once said who was going to win, merely who was going to not win.)
Having now divulged such an amazing personal fact, allow me to share who, over the course of the next year, I absolutely guarantee will not be president of the United States.
Michelle Bachmann will never be president of anything, except maybe as the head of some anti-gay, Jesus-rode-a-dinosaur creationist’s nonsense cult.
Herman Cain will never be president of a gated-community homeowners association, much less president of the United States. The man is history, finished, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with the five alleged sexual harassment issues. Cain’s marriage to the GOP base lasted a tad shorter than most Kardashian nuptials.
Texas Taliban leader Rick Perry might sadly retain his governorship for a while, but he will never be president of the United States, as he is far too busy redefining the phrase “Texas Toast” for future little Texans to read about in revisionist history textbooks.
Sarah Palin (remember her?) will never be … oh, never mind, let’s just move on.
And Newt, I believe one of your ex-wives (the one you served divorce papers to while she was lying in her cancer-ridden deathbed) called from the great beyond and says the late ’80s want their outdated ideologies back.
While we’re on the subject of old and worn-out punch lines, Ann Coulter’s “our black is better than your black” statement only proves that a) racism is alive and well in the Republican Party, and b) a certain blonde nicknamed “Skeletor” is going to spend her senior years a sad, lonely, bitter old maid.
Anyway, Mitt Romney, at least at this point in time, stands a pretty good chance of being president of the United States, but only barring some highly unexpected tragedy involving magic underwear and golden plates.
Wait, did I say president?
Sorry, I meant Republican nominee, no need to go too far out on a limb this early.
Richard Carnes, of Edwards, writes weekly. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.