Vail Daily columnist Richard Carnes: Want my vote? | VailDaily.com

Vail Daily columnist Richard Carnes: Want my vote?

Richard Carnes
Vail, CO, Colorado

Therefore, in conclusion to last week’s column about why I will not vote for a candidate, I offer a short list of a few of the reasons why I “might.”

If you are on the ballot, I might consider voting for you.

If you are the only one on the ballot, I would certainly roll my eyes first, but then I still might consider voting for you.

If you have the courage to run as an independent, I might consider voting for you, especially if you announce publicly that elephants are no better than donkeys and vice versa before you announce as an independent.

If you sign a pledge to support term limits under threat of having your fingernails removed one by one, slowly, by a smirking Michael Moore using needle-nosed pliers on Larry King Live if you “suddenly” decide to change your mind after being elected, I might consider voting for you.

If you understand that having an opinion has no bearing whatsoever on facts, and that if it were not for carbon neither of our footprints would even exist, then I might consider voting for you.

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If you say publicly that nature and man are responsible for what happens to nature and man, not some magical sky being that determines whether one person wins the lottery and another gets cancer and dies, then I might vote for you.

If you choose not to publicly share your opinion on Roman Polanski, Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan or Tiger Wood’s sex life, not only will you have my respect, but I might consider voting for you.

If you are paid an obscene amount of money to publish a short series of articles, and proceed to plagiarize the hell out of the words, and when confronted admit publicly to hoping to get away with it but turn around and give all the money back instead, then I probably still won’t vote for you, but I’ll have a little more respect than if you chose to blame others for your stupidity.

If you admit publicly that some level of taxes must exist in order for a democracy to work, and at the same time you choose not to argue with some jingoistic moron who insists we live in a republic as opposed to a democracy (America is a hybrid of the two), then ditto on maybe voting for you.

If you refuse to quantify patriotism, and accept that acquiescence is not unpatriotic, and can decipher what I truly just meant, whether I might vote for you is irrelevant, but you do have my admiration.

If you admit publicly that there is no true definition for “winning” our latest definition for war, and if you speak from both your heart and your head in relatively equal amounts, I might consider voting for you.

If you can do all (or at least a few) of the above without hiding a lobbyist payoff, a mistress or a gay lover, then I might actually consider voting for you next fall.

But hey, don’t fret over it too much either way, as I am only one vote.

Richard Carnes of Edwards writes weekly. He can be reached at poor@vail.net. Comment on http://www.vaildaily.com.