Vail Daily letter: Candidate wanted, no experience required
Vail, CO, Colorado
I came across an employment ad placed in a national newspaper this past spring. It reads something like this: Seeking conservative person to run for position of U.S. senator. No resume submittal required. Work experience not important but cannot include any employment serving as a previously elected or appointed official at the federal level.
The successful candidate will possess the following characteristics. You are a high-energy person where attitude is everything. You must be a social conservative and be opposed to gay relationships, pro-life in regards to abortion rights and believe stem-cell research is equivalent to murder. You must be or at least claim to be an active member of a recognized and respected Christian religion (list to be provided during the interview process). It would also be beneficial to your cause if you believe the Earth is about 5,000 years old.
A high school education is desirable, and a college education is preferred. Major course of study is not important, and no proof of diploma is necessary. With the possible exception of Hawaii, travel to foreign countries will necessitate additional questions during the interview, particularly regarding the birth records of your parents.
You must have a deep-seated suspicion of all government institutions and those who have seats of power within those institutions. Your guiding legal document will be the U.S. Constitution. You will provide constitutional arguments to the voters against legislative initiatives promoted by the opposing party and in accordance with the constitutional interpretations of those who will sponsor your candidacy.
You must be willingly and persistently able to present unfactual information (we never use the word lie) about your past and your opponent(s) and to repudiate any and all assertions that you are unqualified for the responsibilities of a U.S. senator. Untruths will be admitted only as accidental misinformation (if at all). Remember, you speak for the common U.S. citizen!
All interactions with the media will be coordinated through Fox News. You will be provided Q and A’s for all scripted Fox interviews. You will not respond under any circumstances to unknown news reporters or agree to appear on any news network other than Fox. If cornered, rely upon your bodyguard to shield you from unwanted contact and follow his directions to your transport vehicle. During the interview, you will be quizzed as to how you acquire your knowledge of current events. Just to give you a little advance notice, the only answer in which you can score points is Fox News and a few AM radio stations to which you only have to give the name Rush.
Upon receipt of your application of interest, we will schedule the interview. No references will be required and no tests, such as demonstrating whether you can balance your checkbook, will be administered. A tape recording of the interview will be forwarded to Sarah Palin to determine her willingness to endorse you as a potential candidate.
Just think what it will be like to be a U.S. senator! You will be part of: (1) guiding our great country in it’s military quests to defeat terrorism; (2) admonishing and questioning the budgets of U.S. agencies of which you have no idea what they do; (3) simultaneously finding solutions that lower our national debt, improve our economy and maintain a safety network for the older generations; (4) meeting our duty to help establish cost-effective federal budgets that reach into the trillions of dollars and significantly impact the budgets of states and municipalities; and (5) to attack the challenge of achieving peaceful relationships not just among countries but religions of the world and to develop and administer U.S. diplomacy throughout the world. There are other topics such as arms control, global warming, energy dependence and world disease pandemics, but those are subjects for another time.
We are anxiously awaiting your application! Good luck!