Vail Daily police reports: Grandma, God and getting caught |

Vail Daily police reports: Grandma, God and getting caught

Editor’s note: Every few days we take a stroll through some local police reports where we find all kinds of funny stuff. Of course, it’s funny because it’s not happening to you … this time.

GYPSUM – Yeah, God loves everyone but God loves grandmothers most of all. If you tell lies about your grandma, God and the police will team up to smack you down.

Just ask Smacked Down Man, who lied about his grandma. Smacked Down Man was pulled over for your standard speeding and driving in ways the might endanger the Body Politic’s health and ability to pursue happiness in this great republic of ours.

Curiously, Smacked Down Man accused the sheriff’s deputy of stopping him only because he has brown skin. If that were true, it would have meant the the deputy has x-ray vision because the windows in Smacked Down Man’s SUV were tinted as dark as the night sky on the Winter Solstice. And while x-ray vision has everyone’s knickers in a twist in the nation’s airports and was every adolescent boy’s fantasy, the deputy does not possess that particular super power and it wasn’t being applied to Smacked Down Man.

So, what’s the hurry? the deputy asked.

This is where Smacked Down Man’s downward spiral began – or maybe it’s where it just picked up speed. He had to take his ailing grandmother to the hospital.

Well, grandmothers are holy and should be fussed over at every possible opportunity, so Deputy One called Deputy Too and asked him to be about ensuring grandma’s health and well being.

Well, punishment awaits a man who lies to a police officer about his grandmother, and who drives 66 mph in a 35 mph zone and whose drivers license has been revoked for being an automotive knucklehead.

Turned out that Grandma is just fine and dandy, Deputy Too reported to Deputy One. Although the Smacked Down Man’s wife and/or girlfriend kept trying to call the entire time she was discussing health – both her own and the wider world’s health – with that nice young deputy.

Two other women in Smacked Down Man’s life pulled up behind the deputy’s patrol truck and Smacked Down Man’s SUV. One announced that she was to blame for Smacked Down Man running afoul of the law – again – because it was she who sent him to the gas station to fill up the SUV with dinosaur wine, so it would be ready to go when they have to haul grandmother to the hospital in search of medical attention.

Except their story started to unravel because grandma didn’t need medical attention.

It’s not against the laws of humanity to lie about your grandmother – they’d be taking that up with that Great Traffic Cop in the Sky. But it is against the law to drive 66 mph in a 35 zone, and doing it on a revoked license is a monumentally bad idea. Probably not at bad as investing in anything Goldman Sachs is selling, but bad.

Smacked Down Man seemed to be under the impression that if he blew into one of those “blow things” he could get his license back. And did either Deputies One or Two have one of those “blow things”?

The deputy, being a curious sort, wondered aloud that if Smacked Down Man had not been busted for driving under the influence of alcohol instead of under the influence of silliness, why he’d need to blow into one of those “blow things.”

Smacked Down Man was handed a fairly serious stack of tickets for driving while his license was revoked.

EAGLE – If you’re going to drive around on a suspended license with expired license plates, make sure your tires are good.

Damsel in Distress was changing a flat tire beside I-70 when the sheriff’s deputy decided to go all Dudley Do-Right on her and help her. Because they have cop computers that talk to other cop computers, the deputy soon learned that Damsel in Distress was an earth mother type, a Libra with Pisces flowing peacefully through her karma, that her favorite hue is blue, and that her drivers license was revoked and car license was expired.

Thankfully, she did not spit out a lecture on oppression and how Da Man is stepping all over her freedom and her buzz with his rules and regulations. She had to leave the car at a gas station in Eagle, and call someone in Denver to come get her because the deputy, who empathized with her plight and politics, was not about to let her drive that car, in that condition, on public thoroughfares.

Thus, did her carbon footprint equal that of Godzilla on that day.

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