Vail Daily staff writer Randy Wyrick: Guy’s guide to Valentine’s
You STILL don’t know what she wants? Did you ask her?!?
By Randy Wyrick
You’re a guy. That happy accident of birth renders you incapable of buying tasteful Valentine’s Day gifts.
That’s a problem, because Valentine’s Day looms large in your immediate future.
As you’ll recall, we dispensed sound advice about getting your Reason for Living the proper Christmas gifts. You ask her, is what you do.
But you didn’t. You thought you could do it all by yourself. You cannot.
Here’s what happens when you’re let off the leash to make your own decisions about girl gifts.
Once upon a time not so long ago, I procrastinated buying a Valentine’s Day gift for my own personal Reason for Living until it was too late. I’m a deadline junkie. In a blind panic, I barged into the flower shop at 5:45 p.m. begging them to sell me roses. They had 11 left.
So, I wrote on the card: “Here are 11 roses. You’re the 12th.”
My Reason for Living is among the first women invited to attend Yale and she’s a card-carryimg member of the Mensa Society. She wasn’t fooled for a second. She knew exactly what I had done.
She invoked a biblical principle: “By grace are you saved, and not of works.”
I said: “Who’s Grace?”
And now today is your last chance to get her the gift she really wants. Blow it and you’ll be paying for that sin until Arbor Day, when she’ll finally brains you with a shovel while you’re planting your memorial tree.
Do not, under any circumstances attempt this on your own. Even William Shakespeare asked, “What does a woman want?” And if Shakespeare, who wrote sonnets, wore frilly shirts and sissy britches couldn’t figure it out, you have no chance.
There’s no support group for this. You just have to man up and do what needs to be done.
Gentlemen, as the Baby Jesus taught us, “The truth will set you free.”
Look her straight in the eye and ask, “What, my li’l darlin’, do you want?”
She’ll give you a truthful answer that does NOT include a Playstation 3 with the Call of Duty Black Ops game.
Your course of action has not changed since Christmas. It’s so simple, guys, even we can follow it:
n Take that answer to heart.
n Take your money downtown to see Da Man.
n Hand Da Man your money.
n Da Man hands you the thing your Reason for Living wants.
n You’re happy because your Reason for Living has what she wants.
n Your Reason for Living is happy for the very same reason.
n Da Man is happy because he has your money.
n Everyone is happy.
n Happiness is your friend.
Staff Writer Randy Wyrick can be reached at 970-748-2935 or firstname.lastname@example.org.
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