Vail Daily Staff Writer Randy Wyrick:Femme fatale vs. football
If you watched “The Bachelor” on Monday night without switching back and forth between the NCAA championship football game, you have to turn in your Man Card.
Like you, we are inquisitive and wondered what parallels we might draw between “The Bachelor” and college football.
It turns out there are several.
• Unsportsmanlike scheduling:
Monday’s episode of ABC’s reality series was up against the NCAA championship football game, in which Auburn upended Oregon on a last-second field goal.
Because we cherish our Man Card, we cracked open a few beers and let our thumbs hover over the remote control, in keeping with two spiritual gifts of all real American men.
The shows often went to commercials at the same time, for which they both get a 15-yard penalty for unsportsmanlike scheduling.
By the way, we were watching “The Bachelor” because a Vail native, Madison Garton, is among the 30 women vying for bachelor Brad Womack’s attention. Brad pared them down to 15 Monday night, and Madison made it through to Round 3.
It makes one wonder why the NCAA cannot come up with a similar playoff system.
• It ain’t what you’ve got; it’s how you show it to people:
Oregon’s socks are spectacular, sort of a fluorescent green that reminds one of Homer Simpson having a nuclear accident. Hot, but not quite as smokin’ hot as the outfits the women were wearing.
Auburn scored before “The Bachelor.” It was 11-7 when we wondered about Brad and switched back.
Had Bachelor Brad crossed midfield? Or in keeping with the baseball metaphors so often used to describe such things, had Brad gotten to first base?
Well, drama ensued. Brad had more passes coming his way than Auburn quarterback Cam Newton’s favorite receivers.
While we were away, Brad got to first base more often than the 1927 Yankees.
When Oregon suffered a safety, one had to wonder how much they’re concerned with safety at “The Bachelor.”
• Halftime in Hollywood:
Halftime ensued, and we got to spend some extra-special quality time with Bachelor Brad. He took one of the women to the Hollywood Bowl for their first date.
Brad finally made a first down when Jackie’s name was in lights on the marquee in front of the Hollywood Bowl as they drove up in a Bentley. She was way thrilled and did an end-zone dance in which she displayed more moving parts than Cam Newton on an option play.
Brad was fiddling in the Hollywood Bowl while Oregon burned. Auburn scored on a long pass play. Meanwhile, Brad threw a long pass that didn’t score.
Which leads us to this statistic: A college quarterback needs about 3 feet between the receiver and defender to complete a pass. An NFL quarterback needs about 18 inches.
How much space, support staff and accommodation does Brad need to complete a pass?
• Offensive offenses:
Speaking of offenses and defenses, as Auburn and Oregon struggled mightily on the gridiron, histrionics and drama overcame “The Bachelor.”
The Cougar and the Crybaby went at it like two cats in a sack. Unlike football, there are no injury timeouts on “The Bachelor.”
The Cougar called the Crybaby an “energy suck.” No, that’s not a real word, but nothing about reality television is real.
But in trying to salve the Crybaby’s delicate sensibilities, Brad said “irregardless,” which is also not a real word, even in reality television.
Both the Cougar and the Crybaby got bounced, which was unfortunate for the Crybaby because she wore her little black cocktail dress like a second skin and made it do things that will get you penalized for backfield (and front field) in motion in most Southern states.
But the Crybaby is not from the South – she’s from Utah and makes her living as a “manscaper,” which sounds way more interesting than “defensive coordinator.”
• Brown eyes and coffee beans:
All Michelle wanted for her 30th birthday was Brad and was having one of those “it’s my birthday and I’ll pout if I want to” episodes. She was pouting because it was her 30th birthday and no one had bought her a Bentley.
So she dragged Brad away from 15 stunning women to ask possibly the most penetrating question we would hear all night from both “The Bachelor” and the game: “Do you prefer Starbucks or the Coffee Bean?”
He gazed deeply into Michelle’s deep brown eyes and confided for a national television audience that he’s a Starbucks kind of guy.
We’re not sure where Cam Newton gets his coffee, an obvious oversight by ESPN.
• In conclusion:
What it came down to is this: In both “The Bachelor” and college football, the last two minutes take about a half hour.
Staff Writer Randy Wyrick can be reached at 970-748-2935 or email@example.com.