Vail Daily’s Randy Wyrick: Beyond scanned or groped |

Vail Daily’s Randy Wyrick: Beyond scanned or groped

This Thanksgiving, the question is not “white meat or dark?”

It’s “groped or scanned?”

As the full body scanner operators can plainly see, lots of Real Americans have our undies in a bunch about airport security.

There was even an online call for a National Opt Out day, the day before Thanksgiving. But about the only thing anyone opted out of was their dignity.

As always, we can blame the whole thing on latte-lickin’, sushi-suckin’ sissies who believe in their hearts that profiling is bad.

It’s not, and I defy anyone who loudly insists otherwise to show me the terrorist training classes in Lutheran Bible camp.

But apparently, our federal government is convinced it will find its target under our “junk,” and the only way to find it is by giving everyone what we’ll euphemistically refer to as “a complete physical.”

You never know when whack-nuts like the Undie Bomber will perfect the shrink ray, and where they’ll hide when they do.

Honey, I shrunk the terrorist?

I, your beloved Uncle Randy, have a better idea – and it completely eliminates profiling, the bane of the politically correct. Actually, it was my wife’s idea but I’m stealing it.

Our airport security people, who love their spouses and children very much, are looking for bomb materials.

Everyone goes through a scanner-like booth that will detect explosive materials. It’ll be built with bullet-proof glass.

When it finds someone with bomb materials tuck into their whitey-tighties or their boot heel, it just blows it up and the whack-nut along with it. Bits of both the bomb and the bomber are contained in the booth.

The booth is wheeled out of the airport to be cleaned and sterilized. Meanwhile, the befouled booth is immediately replaced with another that has already been run through the rinse cycle after the last whack attack it stifled.

Airport lines keep moving. Terrorist nut-jobs are eliminated from the gene pool.

If you don’t count a rich source for late-night jokes drying up, there is no downside to this.

Ah, but the P.C. Police will demand to know who will get to push the button that sends the bomb-packing whack-nuts to the next life and whatever awaits them. Who gets to make that sort of weighty determination, they’ll ask.

We will. All Real Americans will behappy to add $5 to the cost of our airline tickets to enter a lottery for the privilege to push. You’ll have Real Americans lined up by the hundreds, like they are right now for more silly-headed reasons.

When we leave the airport, we’re out of the lottery. Better luck next time.

No bombs, no profiling, no expensive prosecution, no prison to pay for.

That’s a solution for which we can all be thankful.

Staff Writer Randy Wyrick can be reached at 970-748-2935 or

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