Vail movies: Giant robots fight to destroy your eardrums |

Vail movies: Giant robots fight to destroy your eardrums

Charlie Owen
Vail, CO Colorado
Special to the Vail DailyOptimus Prime from Michael Bay's "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen."

VAIL, Colorado –By now I’ve come to realize that complaining about a Michael Bay movie is like those parents who feed their kids Cap’n Crunch for breakfast then complain about how hyper they are five minutes later. Sometimes you just have to feed your kids and there isn’t always enough time to make a nutritious meal.

Bay’s latest film, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” is just the kind of sugar buzz the summer box office demands. It will probably leave you with a headache and an upset stomach, but at least you’ll be entertained.

Picking up two years after the original “Transformers” left off, the U.S. government now works with the Autobots (the good Transformers) to find and eliminate the Decepticons (the bad Transformers) still left on earth. The last film revealed that a metallic cube called the AllSpark was the source of creation for all Transformers but it was destroyed in an epic battle between the two sides so there was clearly nothing for mankind to worry about any more.

Or so we thought.

In this installment of what is sure to be a 10-part series, a small shard of the AllSpark is found by Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) and it takes about a minute before the Decepticons and Autobots are battling for the fate of our planet once again. The Autobots, led by Optimus Prime, must stop the Decepticons from destroying the sun and wiping out humanity once and for all.

“Revenge of the Fallen” tries its best to create a Transformers mythology with a complete history of their prehistoric visits to Earth, something called a Matrix of Leadership, a fallen-angel-type Decepticon actually called The Fallen (in case it wasn’t obvious enough) and an ancient death machine buried in the pyramids of Egypt. Only Bay could try to cram so much into a movie and get away with it.

I thought the last Transformers movie was actually pretty good, despite popular protest. It had just enough humanity in it to keep it grounded while the giant robots duked it out. Unfortunately, all that goes out the window in “Fallen.” Instead, for two and a half hours, there’s literally nothing going on but giant robot fights and soldiers with guns running around trying not to get killed by them. It’s extremely loud, obnoxious, overwhelming and confusing. And yes, entertaining.

Most of the original cast reprise their roles, but when they are on screen they’re either running or yelling or crying. There’s no down time between fights for us to get to know them like we did in the first film. I guess Bay thought he got all that out of the way already, so exploding aircraft carriers and crumbling pyramids were all we needed now.

Then there are the Transformers themselves. The first film introduced us to a handful of them, both good and bad, and they were easy to keep track of. “Revenge of the Fallen” crams so many new ones into the mix, most with little to no introduction, that it’s impossible to keep track of who’s who after a few scenes. And most of the new Transformers are so lame it just feels like a waste. What’s with the Jar-Jar Binks wannabe’s of Skids and Mudflap? They’re horrible and borderline racist.

But it all goes back to Bay. If you don’t know what you’re getting into by now, go back and watch “Armageddon” or “Bad Boys II” again. Don’t expect anything but action, and later, when your ears are still ringing but you forget why, you can smile knowing there will be a Transformers 3.

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