Vail Valley: Cookies pave the road to ruin |

Vail Valley: Cookies pave the road to ruin

Michael Kurz
Vail, CO, Colorado

I hate Girl Scout cookies. Really. I’m a pretty disciplined eater. I stay away from the usual temptations without a thought. I just don’t buy or eat some of the things I crave and after honing my discipline all these years, I never give them a second thought.

Milkshakes? Never. Ice cream? Not an issue. Candy? OK, I have fallen prey to the occasional cinnamon bear but most everyone knows they are evil and capable of mind control. Bread? Here and there, but never the half-baguette I really crave with melt-in-your-mouth blue cheese, a real hard salami and a bottle of Rioja. Pie? Only when the Palisade peaches roll themselves uphill and into a homemade pie crust at the City Market. I know I can be forgiven for that.

But, those Girl Scout Cookies. Maybe it’s because I know every box I buy puts cash in the hands of kids who do really good things with it. (Yeah, right.) Maybe it’s because selling cookies helps the kids learn about initiative, competition and good old capitalism. (Sure.) Maybe it’s because whole families get involved in the effort. (Uh, huh.) Or maybe it’s just because the darned things taste so good.

Why did they have to go and make them bite-sized? When they were bigger a few years back, one could take small bites and make a single cookie last at least 20 or 30 seconds. Now, it’s imperative to gobble the whole thing, that of course to prevent crumb loss. (Oh, brother.)

And the marketing thing? Cruel and unusual punishment. If you’re flush enough with cash, and if your brain hasn’t been melted by the peanut butter and caramel, you’d be smart enough to stock up big when they go on sale.

If, however, you’re like me and you don’t have little girl children, the painfully short selling season creeps up on you and is gone before you know it – before you ever had a chance to place an order. You’re just left without your personal quota and all you can do is give your co-workers really nasty glances as they enjoy them by the handful. I don’t like it, but I really understand why they don’t share.

By the way, if you’re curious, Wikipedia offers this intelligence:

The best-selling Girl Scout Cookies are: Thin Mints (25 percent), Samoas (19 percent), Tagalongs (13 percent), Do-si-dos (11 percent), and Trefoils (9 percent) The other varieties combined account for the remaining 23 percent.

In all the Girl Scouts sell more than 200 million boxes per year. And, here I sit without a single cookie to my name. I am pitiful.

The good news? I don’t need to resist. I have none to tempt me. So for those of you who are out ahead of the curve and hoard, gloat on. Go ahead. Just try to work that mass consumption off in the gym. You are obviously at the top of the cookie-food chain.

But beware. I am not and cannot be responsible if an open box (heck, an unopened box for that matter) goes missing from your desk. Remember the phrase, “From each according to his stash to each who is stashless?” Never were truer and fairer words spoken.

Oh, and here’s a suggestion to the little magic fairies who surely bake these amazing goodies. A new name for next year – “The Lentbuster,” white and dark chocolate over a graham-cracker crust, filled with lemon goo. Weep for me.

Michael Kurz is the president and CEO of the Vail Valley Partnership.

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