Vail Valley Voices: When I’m governor …
May 23, 2012
There will be no more pennies. They are all over your car, under my bed and between our cushions. I have determined a better use for them.
Hence forth, all transactions will be rounded up. A $42.03 transaction will now become $42.05 and the state will get the 2 cent windfall. Multiply this by millions of transactions and it translates to millions of pennies. Instead of being lost in the couch, now the pennies will be unaccounted for by the state.
Of course it’s inevitable that the brilliance of this idea will get caught up in legislative review. There will be discussion and argument about an “escalation formula and who pays their fair share in accordance to their wealth.”
I will tell them: “Shut up. It’s a penny. Pennies have always been, and will remain the same, a penny. Why do we have to create legislation to screw somebody for a penny?”
I will explain further and late into the evening, trying to explain my case to the House of Representatives: “You buy a Kit-Kat for a $1.03 and we round it up to $1.05. If you buy a Lexus for $46,244.06, we will round it up to … ‘and 10 cents.'”
That, people, is simple math and we won’t have to create an agency to oversee it.
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A few other things I will need to address as governor.
Anyone caught flipping another driver off on our freeways and byways will be arrested and sent to anger-management classes until they have the attitude of a ’60s flower child.
I just recently included this executive order in my dossier because an idiot passed me on the median the other day when I couldn’t move over. He had the look of the devil as he drove past, shaking a finger uncontrollably in his window.
The man was screaming a phrase through the glass that I think started with the letter F. (And all I thought was “I really don’t deserve these few seconds.”)
I will eliminate all sin taxes. I will stand on the steps of the state Capitol and profess to the masses: “There is a direct correlation between sins and religion. According to our nation’s constitution, there must be a separation of church and state. Therefore, we will not collect taxes in the name of religion. Drink up and smokem if ya gottem.”
And no need for concern. The shortfall in tax revenues will be made up by the pennies-rounding-up thing.
I will keep a watchful eye on our schools. I was a radical once and questioned a school board member about a ballot initiative to build more schools. I felt, as a taxpayer, if I questioned the use and direction of millions upon millions of dollars, it would demonstrate that I have legitimate concerns about education.
“I’m not someone who doesn’t love children,” I said to my elected official. “I just want to know why we need more money to build more schools when the population is shrinking in our county.” Bond issue after bond issue and “Do it for the Kids” just started to wear on me. I preached to anyone who would listen, “I love my kids and they go to these schools, and how come pencils aren’t included in the price of admission anymore?”
I also will present myself on behalf of the commuters and their cars. I will insist that any mass transit system (and I will include the light rail system in Denver) start operating efficiently enough to make a profit.
In fact, any agency funded by taxpayer dollars should make all of us proud of our investment … and make a profit. (Sorry, that’s the new rule. You’re just gonna have to grow up and act like a business.)
And finally, there will be more free stuff for everybody and this is how that’s going to work.
Instead of those guys telling us what’s free, we, as individuals, will put in a request for what we want that’s free. Different values for different things.
For example: A parent wants a good education for their child. They get $7,000 a year. I want unlimited golf play in Colorado. It’s free up to $2,000. You want free health care? It’s free (but we may have to do a bit of tort reform on that one.) You want your mortgage paid off? You got it. Others may want gas, or beef, or llamas, or wine, or an electric car, or season tickets. Whatever you want, it’s free.
How do we pay for these radical, free-wheeling, unfeeling, crazy and unfair ideas? I don’t know for sure, but I am sure that pennies will add up to trillions.