Vail’s not stale and will prevail
‘Twas the week before ChristmasAnd from Dotsero to East Vail,Not a local was happy’Cuz Kobe had made bail…Wait, wait, wait. That was last year, or was it the year before? I’ll try again.’Twas the week before ChristmasAnd from Bair Ranch (the Eagle County portion) to Vail Pass,The liberals were still not happy’Cuz Republican’s had again kicked &!%#@! …Dang it, that’s still not right. Too political. This is supposed to festive. OK, I have it. ‘Twas the week before Christmas,And from one end of Happy Valley to the other,Even agnostics were smiling’Cuz of the Virgin Mary Mother …Well, that makes as much sense as the phrase “affordable housing.” Let’s just forget it and move on to this year’s Christmas wish list. George W. Bush: The ability to say “no” to anything resembling a trip to the spending store and “yes” to admitting anything resembling a mistake along the way.John Kerry: A holiday away from Terezzzza and a memo that gas prices have dropped every week since the election. Coincidence?Sen. John McCain: A Nixonian deregulation lesson on why the government should keep its filthy paws out of professional sports.Ukrainian presidential candidate Viktor (my dioxin overfloweth) Yushchenko: Botox gift certificates from Vladimir Putin.Osama bin missin’: A new digital recorder so the translators can understand what the hell the guy is saying and a brand spanking new dialysis machine with a hidden GPS transmitter.Saddam Hussein: Mark Geragos (Scott Peterson’s soon-to-be ex) as his new lawyer.Kim Sung Il: Credit for writing a book slightly critical of Islam, thus setting the stage for a North Korea vs. Muslim “Armageddon.”Kofi Annan and his son, Kojo (not to be mistaken with that gender-confused mess on “Entertainment Tonight”): Ten minutes with Kojak in a konfined kubicle to kough up the truth about the oil-for-food vouchers.Michael Moore: Something other than waffles with maple syrup as a reason to wake up in the morning.The New York Times: A reason to be read in the morning once William Saffire retires.Battle Mountain hockey team: A win over – oh wait, you already received that. Either way, revenge by any other name is just as sweet.Jake Plummer: A pair of finger-covering mittens and a reason to return next season.Michael Jackson: Mittens, gloves, a pair of old socks – whatever – anything to be used while thumbing through porn with a child, you freak.NBA fans holding a beer at a game: A reason to celebrate with a toast rather than a toss.Florida developer Ginn (the guy who just bought Gilman, snicker-snicker): The ability to accomplish what an entire slew of other rich guys have stood in line to fail. Vail Town Council: A visit from the Mad Hatter to peak into Alice’s mirror and see what the rest of Wonderland will look like when you’re done.The idiot(s) that destroyed the menorah last Wednesday night in Slifer Plaza: A kosher kurse that makes your kitschell shrivel. Hey, that’ll work for Kofi and Kojo, too.Eagle County school teachers: Someone to play “TAPS” at their Christmas party. Just for fun. Or maybe to see what kind of fights would break out, and between whom.Those wanting to ban religious displays at Christmas: Half a lump of coal.Those wanting force religious displays at Christmas: The other half.Don Rogers: A “muchas gracias” for finally inviting me to the Vail Daily Christmas party. My wife and I enjoyed it very much, thank you.’Twas the week before ChristmasAnd from Dotsero to East Vail,All the children were happy’Cuz Santa now accepts e-mail.In four days he’ll proveTo the kids without fail,That his annual tripsAre not just a tale.So sit back and enjoyThe holiday ale,’Cuz a Rocky Mountain ChristmasIs better in Vail.Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.orgVail, Colorado
Wolves were a problem for ranchers when Kip Gates’ great-great-grandfather homesteaded in the area. He doesn’t want the problem to return.