Vending, vidi, vici – ‘We came, we saw, we ate the candy’ |

Vending, vidi, vici – ‘We came, we saw, we ate the candy’

Randy Wyrick
Elizabeth McMichael is 18 today! Happy birthday, Princess! Love Mom, Dad and David.

When it comes to the public’s right to torque and recoil, the Titans of Town Talk’s campaign knows no limits.

That’s why we, The Titans of Town Talk, whose secret identity as Randy Wyrick is highly classified government information vital to our national security, are proud to propose the Vending Machine Contents Freshness Act.

This landmark legislation would require all the stuff in a vending machine to be removed before its expiration date. It shall be referred to as “stuff,” because not even The Titans of Town Talk – whose four personal major food groups consist of cheeseburgers, chili dogs, pizza and chocolate – can bring ourselves to call it “food.”

We would also require that the expiration be some specific date this side of the half life of plutonium.

Support Local Journalism

Everyone in the Eagle County Justice Center, where the intergalactic media elite are wastin’ away again in Kobe Bryant-ville, seems to have a real clear understanding of torque and recoil, except those in charge of the vending machine that distributes suspiciously food-like substances.

So, for those who staff the vending machine, let us make this perfectly clear:

n This is Torque: We drop a Clint Eastwood-sized Fistful of Dollars into the vending machine, hoping to forestall starvation, or at least boredom. We’ll deal later with the medical malaise we contract from consuming this consuming this stuff. It’s stale.

n This is recoil: We stick the stale Three Musketeers bar in a Hillbilly Briefcase (a plastic Wal-Mart bag) wind up like major league flame thrower Randy “Big Unit” Johnson and let it fly in your specific direction.

Sort of like our David to your Goliath.

Remember our campaign motto: “If It Has Torque, Recoil, Compression, Makes a Big Bang or Shoots a Big Bullet, It’s Cool and Americans Need More Of It.”

Wyrick for Senate: “Let Freedom Rip.”

Support Local Journalism