Waxing about wiping | VailDaily.com

Waxing about wiping

The absurdity of Sheryl Crow telling me how many sheets of toilet paper to use during each visit has as much influence as someone named Chad pompously pointing out how prominent my “carbon footprint” is upon Happy Valley.

And make no mistake about it, I would personally be more than happy to show Chad my “footprint.”

Contrary to popular cultural beliefs, celebrity status does not magically create intelligence. I refuse to take advice from Ms. Crow just like I refuse to let Ryan Sutter do my accounting.

And the Vail firefighter’s a nice guy.

Al Gore?

All the man really needs is a cross to slap himself upon before each narcissistic presentation. His Messiah complex has grown exponentially since January of 2000 and shows no signs of letting up. It’s almost enough to make me look forward to Michael Moore jumping on the global warming bandwagon.


And Gore’s inane metaphor saying “the Earth has a temperature” makes me wonder where he inserts the thermometer.


We’d all be lost in a sea of illuminated confusion if not for Her Highness telling us what “green” light bulbs to purchase.

Give me an alarmist break.

Green has become the new red, white and blue (thank you, Thomas Friedman), but far too many are naively equating climate change with climate pollution.

It’s like blaming Hugh Hefner for your carpal tunnel syndrome. The two might be related to some degree, but chances are very high that it is much less than you think.

Similar to the one-sided debate over the ancient existence of magical beings watching over us all from above, it all comes down to the science.

In spite of how some attempt to pretend otherwise, science is conducted with a sole purpose of discovering facts, not to try to establish any preferred fact. It is self-correcting, so whether you are searching for signs of life in a Martian meteorite or proof in the theory of evolution (and consequently intelligent life) in three out of 10 Republican presidential nominees, fresh data will always provide strengthened conclusions for those actual facts.

Sadly, the jury is still out on Tancredo, Brownback and Huckabee, but it makes me wonder what these bozos think about gravity and light.

Anyway, science continues to improve seemingly daily concerning mankind’s climate impact, constantly tweaking the short and long-term outlook for the planet in general and our species in particular.

And what current scientific theories agree upon is that A) man’s pollution is bad for the climate and B) man should do something about it, quickly.

Accepting that correlation is not always associated with causation, however, is where, like it or not, science is split. Not split evenly down the middle, but split nonetheless, and this division over pollution’s affect on our worldwide climate’s future is why present science will continue to tenaciously pursue the subject.

If future science were not permitted to correct science of the past, we’d all still be thinking our flat earth is the center of the universe and mystical beings control everything, including conservative presidential nominees.

So keep the thought in mind that while Ms. Crow mandates singular use of daily backside wipes to “save the planet,” two billion human beings go without electricity, half a billion go hungry and over 20,000 go permanently bye-bye from simple waterborne diseases.

Yes ” die ” every single day of the year.

And why does this occur?

On a worldwide scale, poverty is the single biggest piece of the pollution puzzle which causes the environmental damage.

Poverty should be our primary focus as a species, as opposed to condemning SUV drivers and toilet paper users while purchasing carbon credits in self-righteous attempts to judge others in order to appear “green” on shallow surfaces.

We should be taking care of our own first and foremost and at the same time do what we humans do best, which is adapt to change. We are the only species to adapt to changing environments without having to wait for evolution to do it for us, yet waiting is no longer an option.

While the sun is almost certainly the driver behind the wheel of climate change, poverty is sitting in the passenger seat, going along for the joy ride while throwing cigarette butts and empty beer cans out the window.

And those subjected to living in its filthy pockets could care less about the color, much less the existence, of toilet paper.

Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a biweekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at poor@vail.net.

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