We order you to do whatever you want | VailDaily.com
YOUR AD HERE »

We order you to do whatever you want

Matt Zalaznick

The Democrats have Congress! Now we liberals will get down to imposing our secular, immoral worldviews from sea to shining sea. So let’s try and imagine what the coming liberal tyranny will be like: You won’t be forced into a gay marriage or required to watch “The Daily Show” every night, but get ready to do whatever you want and live your life however you please. Go to church, marry your gay partner, pray in schools, burn a flag, don’t watch movies with nudity or dirty words in them, research your stem cells, yell “Merry Christmas,” and smoke your medicinal marijuana. You won’t be forced to undergo mandatory national tolerance and diversity re-education in San Francisco – we won’t make you attend exhibitions by disabled African American lesbian performance artists in Greenwich Village. But now that Nancy Pelosi and her San Francisco ideals are top banana in the House, we’re going to propose a constitutional amendment that says you, not Christian fundamentalists or rap stars or Hollywood movie producers or the county sheriff, know what kind of culture is healthiest for you and your family. But you will be forced to turn off and pay no mind to TV shows you find offensive. You will be forced to ignore and not see movies you find inappropriate for your kids. It also will be against the law not to choose your own lifestyle without advice from your pastor, rabbi, senator, president, Bill O’Reilly, Al Franken or Michael Moore. And you must not feel forced to think what closed-minded groups like Focus On The Family tell you to think. You must not feel forced to follow their rules of decent American behavior. You won’t even be required to try to make people think just like you do. You also will be required not to worry that your marriage is threatened by the atheist homosexual couple next door or that your children’s minds will be corrupted by the sermons of the Baptist preacher who lives across the street. Sure, the law is in general still the law and we don’t plan to turn American into some 21st century Garden of Earthly Delights, but here the comes the fascism of freedom. Minorities – religious and ethnic and sexually-preferenced – will be ordered to no longer feel like outsiders in their own country. There will be a federal law that says no law-abiding, God-fearing, flag-waving, free-thinking, free-speechin’, Spanish-speaking, NASCAR-watching, wardrobe-malfunctioning, conspiracy-believing, garlic-press-worshiping American citizen or legal immigrant may feel excluded from Uncle Sam’s Happy Homeland Club. The population boom here in Eagle County must also be an outburst of blue – Eagle County is turning into Boulder. Why just this week we voted to legalize pot, allow civil unions and raise the minimum wage. We also voted for all but one of the Democrats on the ballot, including the party’s candidates for county commissioner, state representative and governor. It must be all those young families for whom our elected officials are eagerly building affordable homes, building Freedom Ponds and buying open space. They’re raising kids and appreciate a liberal megalomania that no more wants to hang the Ten Commandments on the wall of the county courthouse than it wants to post its parenting rules in every preschool. These young middle-class mothers and fathers have pledged allegiance to a totalitarian liberalism that asks your permission to take some of your money to replace a dilapidated high school with a new high-tech, more centrally located building in which the next generation will received better, more broad education and take over the reins of the left-wing dictatorship. Hallelujah.City Editor Matt Zalaznick can be reached at 748-2926.Vail, Colorado


Support Local Journalism