Weighty euphoria ensnares Edwards | VailDaily.com
YOUR AD HERE »

Weighty euphoria ensnares Edwards

I used to love those early summer evenings when we would pack the entire family in the car for a short drive to the ice cream store.Notice I said THE ice cream store, as that will be important in just a few moments.Taking the still-beautiful-to-me drive from Edwards to Vail was a 20-minute treat, only to be rewarded again upon arrival at Haagen-Dazs for a deliciously decadent scoop of mocha almond fudge, or something along those lines.”Wouldn’t it be great if we had one of these in Edwards?” one of the kids would eventually ask.”No,” I would always reply. “Part of what makes this special is the fact that we don’t do it very often, thus always giving us something to look forward to each time. Sort of like me and sex with your mom.””Yeah, whatever” was the usual retort, followed by the oft-repeated teenage epiphany of “Oh, gross!” as they would run out the door feigning a vomit attack.But I was serious, at least about the ice cream part. Too much of a good thing is inevitably not a good thing, except of course for that other thing, which I’ll save for my next letter to Casa de Pents instead of you good people.If my entire family had ice cream every single night, not only would the confectionary concoctions not be special anymore, but the Carnes’ clan would be confused as a family of “low-riders,” no matter what vehicle we were driving.Anyhoo, that’s all changed now.Yep, recently the non-existent town of Edwards government was apparently approved by the Goddess of Sweet Toothes, Confectseus, to grant ice cream licenses with the zeal of a Bair Ranch tax-funded handout – just ask and ye shall receive.First one, then a second and now a third, all in the span of only a few months. They’re opening doors even faster than Starbucks. These things are popping up quicker than “Kerry 2004” bumper stickers are disappearing. They’re dishing out excuses for extra calories faster than Kobe’s legal team is for their client’s behavior and passing out freebies with all the concern of the FIS awarding snow-free France coveted alpine championships.Who were the marketing geniuses behind this obviously grand plan? They sound like the types that would put Martha Stewart in charge of company investments.Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. These are three independently owned and operated businesses that have nothing whatsoever to do with one another, so there is no connection. But wait, let’s look at their respective slogans and then you tell me if they are related in any way, shape, or form:Slogan for anonymous store No. 1: “Ice cream just the way you like it.”No. 2: “Deliciously different homemade ice cream!”No. 3: “Now scooping!”Hmmmmmm.Don’t you get it? Come on, all you left-wing and right-wing nut cases, don’t you see the blatant conspiracy? They’re trying to make us fat so they can take over. To do what, I have no idea, but it’s as clear to me as elected officials making the town of Vail a known speed trap for tourists in a tourist town.With over 60 percent of American adults already categorized as obese, this will just be the last nail in our super-sized coffins. And, as of last week, what do “they” now offer us in terms of exercise in order to maintain all those extra force-fed calories?Bowling.Now we can go bowling, and join bowling leagues, and wear bowling shirts, and wear bowling shoes, and eat bowling alley french fries, and drink bowling alley beer, and attend bowling alley birthday parties, etc., to the point that one day we’ll be rolled out of bed using old skis for leverage and shout, “I’m fat as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore!”Or maybe we should just accept the inevitable and recognize the fact that we are no more in control of our own caloric destiny than the editor is of controlling what some delusional, racist fruitcake will say in Tipsline. Besides, they also opened up yet another ice cream store right next door to the bowling alley.Coincidence? I think not.”I scream,You scream,We all scream,For ice cream!”Well, no, if truth be told we did not, but what the hell, it does taste very, very good, even seven days a week.Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at poor@vail.net


Support Local Journalism