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Welcome to Vail: relax now!

Tom Boyd

What’s up, people of the ‘hood?As a follow-up to last week’s column, let me just say that Ryan is together with Trista, Marly and Kurt happily tied the knot, and even my troubled love life has taken a turn for the better so my internal grumpy valentine grinch is put away (for now). The saga of valley loves has taken our little town right by storm, and hundreds of broken-hearted women are now recovering from being dashed against the perilous rocks of Ryan Sutter’s shores.For every distressed maiden looking longingly at the television, there are eight Vail guys looking longingly at the maidens. Even beer-swilling, smelly and hair-lipped Vail dropouts can do well in these times of heart-swelling passion. So in the spirit of the day, I predict a record number of new couples forming in the next few weeks, and a record number of newborns at the Vail Valley Medical Center come November.Still, some of the socially-challenged dudes out there might need some help. So I called up a few of my heart-broken female friends and asked advice: what can single guys do (or not do) to dress the wounds of the broken-hearted? Here are five quick steps to helping your favorite babe recover from her terrible case of acute Ryan-itis.1.) Pretend you actually give a damn about what happened on “The Batchelorette”: You were drinking beers in the back of fuBar so you could check out all the tail while all the tail checked out Ryan. Now the tail has turned off the TV and is looking right at you, trying to mentally morph you into a tall, dark, handsome ex-football player turned fireman/architect who likes to read poetry. You’re screwed. In fact, your only chance is to smile a lot, agree with everything she says and pretend you’re listening until you convince her that two fine people should console each other in a time of need.2: Talk smack about Trista: The most important thing in a relationship is respect, and there’s no better way to develop mutual respect than to team up and bash on someone who is better looking, wealthier and happier than you.3: Keep the options open: Some girls are too far gone, lost in the throes of Ryan-itis that will keep them unhappy and alone for months. Forget these girls, move on, and surf to http://www.vailtrail.com. Here you’ll find a whole slew of shrews who are on the lookout for another Vail sweet-talker to coddle them with borrowed Hallmark rhymes. Write them back (in verse) and prepare for a flood of scented mail from a sea of Southern farm girls.4: Don’t be yourself: girls always tell us to be ourselves, but what they really mean is that we should pretend to be someone better than who we actually are and put on a really good show. There’s no way that you can match up to Ryan, but who says he’s the only guy out there who’s an ex-football player turned fireman/architect who likes to read poetry?5: Get her drunk: As Jerry Seinfeld so wisely pointed out, 85 percent of the population is un-datable. So how do you explain all the sex in the world today? Alchohol! Here’s a Homer Simpson cheers to alcohol: the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems.Well, there ya have it. Enjoy the aftermath and have a happy February.Tom Boyd is an aspiring poet who likes long walks on the beach, intellectual fireside chats and romantic weekend getaways. When he takes time off of salsa dance instruction and volunteering with needy children, he heads to the kitchen to enhance his reputation as one of the finest dessert chefs in the valley. He can be reached at (970) 390-1585 or tboyd@vailtrail.com.


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