What are they smoking? | VailDaily.com

What are they smoking?

Richard Carnes

It has now been four months since the donkeys had their rump roast handed to them on a silver-spoon-lined elephant platter.What has the Democratic Party learned? How have they adapted to the blood red tide of faith-based conservatism that has washed over the country like a rogue wave from the inside out that many caught a glimpse of with patronizing peripheral vision but most were too overconfident to heed?They hired Howard Dean.Add this gem to the past few weeks of having to endure self-loathing college professors with Geronimo complexes desperately searching for their 15 minutes, Sponge Boob senators confusing homeland security with homosexual security, Ted Turner and former KKK supporter Sen. Robert Byrd not so subtly comparing Hitler to the Bush administration, Bill Cosby under suspicion of being a black Arnold Clintonegger, and you have a king’s ransom of reasons why I love being a columnist.A few months ago, when the possibility of Dean becoming national committee chairman was “leaked” to the public, I somewhat facetiously begged for this to happen, thinking there was a better chance of Osama winning the Nobel Peace Prize than the Dems actually putting a nut case like Dean in such a high-profile, responsible position.But like parents who leave their children alone with Michael Jackson, Democrats never cease to amaze.They hired a failed politician who apparently was amazed upon a recent trip to Mississippi when he discovered that all Southerners do not drive pickup trucks with Confederate flags hanging behind a gun rack and tobacco stains colorfully splattered along the left rear quarter panel.Brilliant. Simply brilliant. That’ll teach those rascally reprehensible Republicans from thinking they can ‘rassel another major election from right under the clogged nostrils of a jackass. Yeah, Hilary in 2008! You go girl! To quote the man himself, “YEEAARRGGHH!”The dazzling deity of the Democrats has burst out of the goodwill mission gates with ominous statements like, “We are a party of the future, while Republicans are the party of the past.”Hey Howard, I hate to be the bearer of bad chronological news (not really), but the present probably should have been included in that precocious little statement, as well as an admission of at least the next two years of the future belonging to the hated elephants.”In 2008, there will be a Democrat walking down Pennsylvania Avenue to the other end.”Yeah, well, so has Vail’s Precision Lawn Chair Demonstration Team. From one end to the other. Twice.”You think the Republican National Committee could get this many people of color in a single room? Only if they had the hotel staff in here.”This patronizing bit was said to the Democrat Black Caucus. Tempting, but I’ll allow it to speak for itself.”You are among the most persecuted people in the history of mankind.” This was said to the GLBTC (although sounding like a sandwich, this stands for the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Caucus). Perhaps he has never been informed about the Jews and their trials and tribulations since learning to write it all down, the Christians since their savior was murdered and the following 1,500 years, the Chinese under Mao, Russians under Stalin, Iraqis under Hussein, women in Muslim countries or blacks in general (except of course for the butt of jokes, as noted above).”The South will rise again, and when it does, it will have a ‘D’ after its name!” Dean shouted in Jackson, Miss.This implies a South followed by an “R” is dead and buried. I may be going out on a limb here, but my guess is over 100 million Southerners might wish to tell Dean where to stick his maple syrup.”The issue is not abortion,” he announced during a private fund-raiser. “The issue is whether women can make up their own mind instead of some right-wing pastor, some right-wing politician telling them what to do.”I happen to agree with him on this one, but then he had to go and ruin it by ending his tirade with, “This is a struggle of good and evil. And we’re the good.”Gosh darn it. I suppose it depends upon one’s definition of evil. But if wanting less government by way of fewer social programs, lower taxes, more states rights and more individual responsibility is evil, well then, by all means, call me Satan (or maybe just an Eagle Valley High School Devil).Republicans are having trouble chewing their food because they can’t get the smiles off their faces. Maybe I really am as slow as some of you imply, but why in the wide, wide world of politics did they pick this guy?Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at poor@vail.netVail, Colorado

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