What if little Johnny can’t ski? | VailDaily.com

What if little Johnny can’t ski?

The friendly neighborhood ski company has taken it upon themselves (with mandated local funding) to teach little Johnny the correct procedures and techniques to be used in accomplishing such a goal. Those ski company folks are just so dang nice and well meaning.

Little Johnny Generic is not a slow learner and he has not been diagnosed with any known type of mentally challenging disease, nor has he been saddled with any particular form of physical impairment.

There is concern, however, about his apparently imagined fear of tripping over snow snakes.

His parents, John Sr. and Jackie Generic, secure average incomes for a ski town and live quietly in an average house. They too, cannot wait for little Johnny to learn how to ski, for they are only too aware of the advantages in life that await their child once he has climbed this particular mountain, so to speak. In fact, the Generics have lived in fear for their son’s future for an entire decade. What if, like them, Johnny does not foresee the benefits of skiing while still at a young age, and instead chooses to remain forever locked onto this singular path of limited potential?

What if, like them, out of fear of the unknown he chooses to learn only one style of downhill declivity and mountain living?

Yes, what if indeed, the only technique little Johnny ever understands is – snowboarding?

God forbid. Luckily for John Sr. and Jackie, the SICK Amendment 31 (Skiing Immersion Creates Komfort) is on the ballot this election year, and the tiny little 285-word alteration to our state’s constitution could be the downhill answer to all of their uphill prayers.

According to those in favor, if 31 passes a few weeks from now, the sun will rise higher, the ski lifts will run faster, and all true skiers will rejoice in its true meaning.

Every child in the valley, whether they currently snowboard only or perform neither style with any proficiency, will have the opportunity to learn how to ski properly like the rest of us.

Each of them will be immersed into ski classes for a solid year of intense instruction, where their progress will be monitored using a standardized nationally-normed test of academically-appropriate subject matter.

Those who already know how to ski with proficiency will, of course, already be immersed in other, more challenging, classes, headed with near certainty towards future red-blooded American success.

After the required year of instruction has been accomplished with passing-grade skills, new students will then join the rest of the class, and from that point forward life as they know it will be wonderfully grand.

But here is the best part for the Generics.

If, and this is a really big IF, John Sr. and Jackie determine that Junior’s fear of snow snakes allows him to qualify for a waiver, then HIS ski classes will be taught by snowboard instructors, who will try the best they can to teach Johnny how to ski. This will be done on an annual basis as long as the waiver is granted.

Now, it gets really good.

If, and this is a really big IF, John Sr. and Jackie determine that the waiver was granted in error (each time) and injured little Johnny’s overall ski education, then they can sue not only the instructor, but the entire ski company for being stupid enough to grant the waiver in the first place.

Isn’t that wonderful? Doesn’t that just make your common sense cup runneth over?

Once the smoke from the flame of lawsuits has cleared, the entire Generic family, including little sister Josie and the Generic dog, Jocko, will never again have to worry about whether or not they can ski.

In fact, the tax-provided proceeds will afford the family with the financial means to move to Europe, where everyone every few kilometers does everything totally different anyway, and seems to be getting along at least as well as us.

There they will be free to choose whatever means of transporting down a hill they so choose, and not have to worry about being singled out because of their location of birth.

Johnny still won’t be able to ski, yet nobody will really care, except maybe Johnny.

But that will, of course, be his choice.

Vote NO on Amendment 31 – it’s your choice.

Richard Carnes of Edwards can be reached at poor@vail.ne

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