What mountain would Jesus ski?
A loony group called the Evangelical Environmental Network has proposed – through the use of TV ads – the so-called provocative question: “What would Jesus drive?” They claim Christians have a moral imperative to preserve the environment by giving up their gas-guzzling SUVs, minivans and pickups.
As luck would have it – thank God – the ads are limited to Indiana, Iowa, Missouri and North Carolina, leaving most of the other 44 contiguous to instead ponder philosophically about Michael Jackson’s true meaning behind dangling a child from a fourth-floor window or whether the “Jackass” movie people should be sued for truth in advertising.
But up here in God’s country (anywhere above 5,500 feet within Colorado’s borders, except of course, Aspen, the winter hideaway for both Sodom AND Gomorrah), we know the real question that inquiring minds want to know: “Where would Jesus ski?”
Everyone up here is simply dying to know. Just think of the potential advertising slogans available if He were to bless a particular ski area with His presence:
Ski with us in His Kingdom: Ski Beaver Creek.
Ski closer to the Man Himself: Everyone’s Higher at A-Basin.
It’s not just for Catholics Anymore! Ski Snow-Mass.
“It’s the closest thing to sitting next to my Dad” – Jesus: Ski Vail.
Ski with us – Jesus Does! Ski (fill in the blank).
But which one would He actually choose?
Let’s see, Arapahoe Basin is probably out because of the ethnic reference, as well as Durango Mountain due to its former name of Purgatory, and Monarch for its political ideology.
Buttermilk would leave a sour taste in His mouth, and Snowmass is out for the mere arrogance of their name. Winter Park is nixed due to Mary Jane’s cannabis reference, and Steamboat is too riddled with massive debt for consideration.
Copper Mountain spends so much time and money constantly attempting to redefine themselves that He probably wouldn’t want to get involved. Crested Butte is still stuck with the whole “ski naked” thing, while Telluride has potential due to its sheer beauty, but the “Rasta/Ganja” theme is a definite deal-breaker, in my opinion.
Breckenridge? If they hadn’t of spent all those years trying to convince everyone they were a “real mining town” while secretly constructing bile yellow and vomit purple facades to cover teen-age watering holes, they might have had a shot at the title. Similar situation for Keystone. Their bizarre rituals for parking and repeated foreclosures of local businesses put them on the same level as Judas, and we all remember what He thinks of that guy.
The rest of them – Eldora, Loveland, Powderhorn, Silverton Mountain, Ski Cooper, SolVista and Sunlight – each have a slim chance, although size alone limits their individual attention from his Holiness.
This leaves the competition to, of course, Vail and Beaver Creek.
Given the fact that these two mountains, along with little-known Arrowhead, are visited by roughly one out of every five skiers on an annual basis, what better location for Him to reach the masses and spread his message?
Not only sheer numbers, but the quality of individuals running both mountains are more than enough for most modern-day deities to attend. Their attention to detail and overall excellence of service is world class and worthy of its value.
Not to mention humble.
Anyway, I feel relatively safe – with my amazingly inept knowledge of organized religion and its various leaders – in assuming Jesus would choose Vail and Beaver Creek over any other ski mountain in Colorado.
As would Mohammed, Buddha, Confucius, Spock and Perot.
Vail and Beaver Creek are more than simply a place to ski. They are a reflection of who we are, or in some cases who we wish to be. Choosing them reflects ones values, tastes, vanity, lifestyles, economic class and a veritable plethora of other significant aspects of redeeming personality traits.
So quit wasting time trying to figure out what kind of car Jesus would drive. Besides, we all know he would just stick with the donkey.
Can I get an AMEN!
Richard Carnes of Edwards can be reached at email@example.com