While we’re waiting …
Which direction does a compass point in the space shuttle?Please feel free to ponder this thought while standing in line to vote today. Besides, there’s not much else to do as we all wait patiently for whatever races and issues might actually be decided before turning off the Rush Limbaugh night light tonight.Me? I voted last week, so I’m spending the day having a face transplant. Not because I am afraid of being spotted in public if any of my election predictions actually come true (don’t hold your breath), but because my significant other made the skin-enhancing decision for me (I was in the room, but, well, you know). I don’t have acne, warts, eczema, skin cancer, moles or spider veins (gross), and I’d rather debate botched joke writing with John Kerry than have a Botox injection, but my wife says I “need to do this, and the sooner the better for your face.”Okey-dokey. Yes, dear, whatever you say.”Face transplant” is perhaps a tad misleading, as I don’t believe “cut and paste” is part of their repertoire (hopefully). But those with experience have been nice enough to share that’s what it feels like for at least the first few hours. I was told the procedure has something to do with very fast perpetual photons and the spectral colors of my facial epidermis, but I think it’s just the doc’s bright light doohickey and my brown spots.Those teenage and college years of sunbathing have finally caught up with me.Just in case you haven’t moved very far in line yet: Will a pig eat pork or a cow drink milk and where do they get the seeds to grow seedless grapes?Let’s see, what else can we talk about while we wait together?Down at Costco last week I wasn’t sure whether to shout with joyful glee or curse with pompous disgust at the pre-Halloween Christmas displays sitting across the isle from the trick-or-treat candy. They looked nice, I suppose, and for a moment (a very brief one) I found myself singing some twisted version of “Rudolph” involving a blood-covered shiny red nose. And then my wife bought gas in Avon to the tune of “White Christmas” coming over the Conoco loudspeakers.Is any of this unusual? Nope, not really, as long as you can forget my song. We keep saying how the crass commercialism of Christmas begins earlier and earlier each year. But I’ve tracked the last few (I have a lot of free time once the golf courses close) and it always starts Halloween week at least somewhere around here. It mainly used to be Wally World, but now Costco has joined the premature holidabation fracas.I wonder if, after a few months, we’ll all be saying “Coz-go” like we say “Minnurn” for Minturn.Anyway, Christmas is coming (only 48 shopping days left!) soon enough. But let’s make it through today’s election first, con centrate on the results tomorrow, the mountain opening third, enjoy Thanksgiving fourth, and then start thinking about digging all of the lights, balls, trinkets, trees, stockings and last year’s unopened gifts (to be redistributed this year as new) out of the basement sometime shortly thereafter.No reason to rush it.Hey, can you guess who won last week’s Religious Evangelical Hypocrite Award for Bigotry (REHAB)? Let’s see if this paraphrasing helps: “Yes, I bought drugs from him, and paid for a ‘massage’ from a gay gigolo, but I didn’t take the drugs and didn’t enjoy the massage.”What would Jesus do, indeed.About done voting? Good, congratulations.For the record, seedless grapes do indeed have seeds (little tiny ones), baby cows drink their mother’s milk (adults drink nothing but water), pigs apparently have no problem with cannibalism, and as long as it is orbiting the earth (i.e. within its gravitational pull), a compass would still point towards good ol’ magnetic north; otherwise it will point toward the sun.So, thanks for voting today and relish in the fact that you at least played a part in planting the seeds for the latest crop of political talking heads that we can spend the next two years condemning for not keeping promises or furthering agendas we were not aware of beforehand.But all cynicism aside, what would possibly happen if I no longer asked rhetorical questions?Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org Vail, Colorado
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