Whining Sportswriters vs. the BCS | VailDaily.com
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Whining Sportswriters vs. the BCS

Staff Reports

Due to recent bleating by the Whining Sportswriters Association (WSA), we’re all aware the evil Bowl Championship Series (BCS) now controls college football. This is typical, instead of embracing technology, writers fear the onslaught of hyper-smart electronical devices that do our jobs for us.Right now, the BCS believes with all its circuits that Oklahoma, playing Texas A&M on Saturday, Nov. 8, will win the National Championship.USC (idle) will be second, Florida State (vs. Clemson) third and Miami (vs. Tennessee) fourth. That the BCS (vs. WSA) has, in five years, proven to be nearly 60 percent accurate is a tribute to processors everywhere, especially when you look at ESPN sportscaster predictions (48 percent).The fact is, we are LUCKY to live in this modern world. We have computers to leave running and beeping while we skip work. Cell phones that no wife can trace to the golf course. And next month, Honda’s Asimo hits the market, a robot that will, on command, shoplift beer.In the old days, before end-table nacho dispensers (ETND), there were many problems with the old NCAA system. Some radicals even believed we shouldn’t use rankings and go to an 8-team playoff, where, like in other sports, the actual champion would be decided on the field.There were three issues with this plan that BCS The Magnificent was able to solve:1. Modern construction techniques cannot build stadiums big enough (that can hold 250,000-300,000 $100 seats) to host these games.2. The owners of these stadiums, and the teams, and the NCAA, would be flooded with so much money that people might forget they are all about education and not all about cash.3. The TV networks would have to fill three weekends with the highest-rated games in history, bumping replays of other cool sports. (Curling, it’s Sweeptastic!)Yes, the BCS saved us all, but what’s hard to believe is we haven’t used it to solve other major problems:For instance, the NBA regular season means so little, but the playoffs are great. So, how about the BCS ranks all the teams, and right now they start the playoffs and finish the NBA Finals by the All Star break? Then, in March, do it all over again and have team 1 play team 2 in the Super Finals?I’d also like it to rank my chores. When the little lady asks me to take out the trash, I say, &quotSorry Hon, according to our Home BCS, that’s only #18 on my list today.&quotIt would help both sexes tremendously if it could rank girls in a bar on some kind of display mounted over the doorman collecting the cover, and also track the pigs inside hitting on them.During the off season, the BCS could design a new high-power remote control the 60-Gig Atomizer Plus that blasts through living flesh, not allowing kids or houseguests to block command of the TV even for a second. Get in the way of the game … lose some hair.This happens all the time: We meet a girl, have to break it off, but she has somehow found our real home number. The BCS can simply route the call to the next guy who’d like to hit on her.And then there’s our jobs. A good, kindly BCS should be capable of analyzing the week, then rank the days Monday through Friday deciding instantly when we call in sick and go directly to a sports bar.Technology only works when used correctly, so let’s turn it all over to that computer. I’m predicting we get Fridays off, Utopia is just days away.Have more uses for the BCS to help our lives be more about sports? E-mail the WSA at Skinner009@yahoo.com.


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