Why are there no New Age game shows? The answer … after these messages…
(MX: Game show theme music, played on a sitar.)HOST: Hey, hey, brothers and sisters, welcome to THE BLAME GAME! Please help me welcome back our contestants from yesterday – Jill, an acupuncturist from Denver, Colorado, and John, an ascended contractor from Santa Cruz, California.AUDIENCE: Ommmmmm!HOST: Jill is our current leader with 800 Big Karma points, with John trailing with a close 600 points. As you know, here on the Blame Game you score points by …(FX: Buzz!)HOST: Yes, John?JOHN: I would have had those last two hundred points yesterday if she hadn’t bumped my elbow as I reached for my buzzer.(FX: Ding ding ding!)HOST: And that’s a hundred points for John! Nicely played. Now then, if we can …(FX: Buzz!)HOST: Jill?JILL: How could I have bumped his elbow? I’m 15 feet away from him!(FX: Ding ding ding!)HOST: And that’s 50 points for Jill for a successful block, and minus 50 for John. That brings our score up to …(FX: Buzz!)HOST: It’s all you, John …JOHN. Did you see that look she just gave me? How am I supposed to concentrate with her giving me that look? This is so unfair!(Pause …)HOST: Judges?(FX: Honk HONK!))HOST: Oh, I’m sorry, John, that was not an acceptable blame. That’s minus another 50 for you.(FX: Buzz!)HOST: Jill?JILL: John has sideburns exactly like my father, who never approved of anything I ever did.(FX: Ding ding ding!)HOST: One hundred Karmas plus 50 bonus points for the whining inflection.(FX: Ding ding ding DONG!)HOST: And that bell means that it is time for our bonus round. Jill, you have the most points, so you’re first. But first let’s put John in the booth.(JOHN is locked in a synchronicity-proof booth.)HOST: Can you deduce meaning from the seemingly random, John? No, he can’t even hear me. Good. Now Jill, you have 20 seconds to answer as many questions as you can. Ready?JILL: Yes …HOST: OK then. Judges, start the clock and let’s begin. Jill, whose fault is it that you don’t have more points than you do?JILL: John’s.HOST: Whose fault is it that you have a headache?JILL: Yours.HOST: Whose fault is it that you hate your life?JILL: My mother’s.HOST: Whose fault is your DUI?JILL: Umm … pass.HOST: Whose fault is it that you failed 10th grade history?JILL: John’s.(FX: Ding ding ding!)HOST: OK, good job, Jill. Now let’s bring John out and see how well he blames. John, how ya feeling, buddy?JOHN: Pretty shitty. This Iraqi war has me very concerned.(FX: DING DING DING!)HOST: Whoa, John scores with the Daily Super Mega Bonus Pseudo Global Concern Blame, worth 500 Karma points! That puts him in the lead!(FX: MOOOO!)HOST: And that’s the Karma Cow signaling that our time is up fortonight. Remember to join us tomorrow for The Blame Game, otherwise it’s nobody’s fault but yours.Barry Smith, an Aspen-based freelance writer, moves his lips while writing this column, and hopes you do the same while reading it. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or visit his Web page at http://www.Irrelativity.com.
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