Women are the stronger sex
July 15, 2010
VAIL – Men and women experience the world in very different ways. Men gravitate toward very important things that will provide them with hours of intellectual stimulation – new jumper cables, shiny car tires, train sets, golf balls and remotes – while women focus on different kinds of things – whether or not hubby has a job, how close that gas is to “E,” who’s picking the kids up from school and whether or not the mortgage was paid.
You gotta admit guys, we’d probably be better off if our wives were social workers and we their case studies. Their mission: getting to the many roots of our slacking.
Maybe our slacking has something to do with why females are able to sniff out the Godiva section at the store in .02 seconds: they’re trying to reduce the stress brought on by our amusement with the jumper cables. Chocolate is known for its stress-reducing capacities. Between our slacking and the kids’ exploits, it’s surprising they don’t bathe in chocolate.
If placed in a laboratory for observation, we – us males – would certainly make interesting case studies. Let’s take a look at what researchers might find if they were to look more closely at the science of slacking.
They would probably find that, at birth, our heads were too big for the birth canal. This would explain why some of our skulls are shaped like right angles while others are oval-like.
Secondly, they might find that males share 40 percent of their genes with trees. That would explain the active part of our day. (Humans really do share 40 percent of their DNA with trees.)
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They may also find that we share the other 59 percent with male lions, who sleep 18 hours a day. The last 1 percent comes from the sloth, who is so lazy, it only uses the facilities once a week.
So, as you can see, it’s really not our fault. An emergency rescue fund has been set up for the male gender, please send donations to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Actually, the above musings are not far from the truth. Scientists have found that the language and learning areas of the male brain are often slower to develop as compared to those areas in females. In the words of Susan Pinker, author of “The Sexual Paradox,” “There are more than four boys with language and reading problems for every girl.”
Secondly, in the womb, female premature babies are nearly twice as likely to survive as male premies.
It gets juicier. In areas where pollution is high, females are born more often. Male fetuses don’t seem to do well in toxic environments.
And according to author and M.D. Christine Northrup, during fertilization, the egg will often do “repairs” on the sperm that gains entry. This prompted Jill Adams, a Facebook follower, to say: “Even in the beginning we are upgrading our man.”
And the sexes couldn’t be further apart when it comes to shopping. When approaching the meat section, men have been known to make sounds like “me food,” while women gingerly peruse the wide selection of beef, pork and chicken and ask intelligent questions about how to prepare those items. The grunting may have something to do with that delayed language development thing.
Is it true that all the good men are taken? Yes, but that’s only because men in relationships were improved by the women that saved them (another observation made by Northrup).
So what are men good for? They appear to excel at implementing highly advanced thermal imaging technology to locate golf balls and remotes.
Robert Valko is a graduate of Northwestern University, for more info on this article, column suggestions, or to send $$, contact him at email@example.com.