‘Wyrick express’ burns during campaign trip
No one brought marshmallows.
That’s a shame, because there was a massive fire on Vile Pass Tuesday when the Wyrick Express, the campaign bus of Vile Daily stalwart and U.S. Senate candidate Randy Wyrick, burned to a crispy-metal and melted-rubber cinder on Interstate 70.
Wyrick and four campaign staffers aboard were shaken, but unhurt.
“I’ve vowed to be the Western Slope’s senator and I really, really mean it now,” Wyrick said. “I’m never driving anything over Vile Pass again.”
Several years ago, a 1969 Cadillac Coupe de Ville belonging to Wyrick suffered a similar fate on the pass. That vehicle, too, burned to a cinder before help could arrive.
While candidates don’t usually drive their own campaign buses, Wyrick was driving this one, a 1964 Bluebird school bus converted for use in the Eagle resident’s run for the Senate seat being vacated by Bent Nailhorse Scramble.
Police and fire investigators continue to probe the cause of the inferno. State Patrol arson investigator Duff Heineken says the fire was “suspicious” and potentially “laser-guided leprechaun-related,” though declined to explain the latter comment.
But friends and family members say the problem might have been as simple as Wyrick taking the wheel.
“Randy, cars and Vile Pass just aren’t a good mix, in the cosmic sense,” said Aspain-based karmic-fabric consultant Settnon D. Docodebay. “He should never drive anything over that mountain again. I recommend a professional driver, and, maybe, a hermetically-sealed U-Haul for him to ride in. That way, his car-burning energy can’t affect the vehicle pulling him over the pass.”
Wyrick was philosophical about Tuesday’s incident. “I’m going to park my hiney on the West Slope for most of this campaign, but I vow to bring my message of torque and recoil to the entire state.”
To do that, Wyrick has applied for federal campaign funding to purchase a Dodge Viper engine, which he intends to turn into the world’s fastest motorized bar stool.
“As soon as I find somebody crazy enough to drive the thing, we’re going to put a bunch of campaign stickers on it and send it to every summer parade in the state.”
As long as Wyrick doesn’t drive the thing over Vile Pass, it could work.