Ya wanna know? Ya gotta ask | VailDaily.com

Ya wanna know? Ya gotta ask

It’s about time for The Future of America to stride resolutely through their college commencement lines and directly back into a bar, where they’ll look reality in the eye and deny its existence – a Great American Tradition.Unless you’re one of the captains of the Lucky Sperm All-Stars (trust funders) you’ll eventually have to start looking for a something resembling a job. Unfortunately, Katie Couric will soon be the new anchor for the CBS Evening News, so you can cross that one off your list of jobs you think would be cool.As an official Middle Aged White Guy, your old Uncle Randy has interviewed and hired bunches and bunches of brilliant young folks over the years. Here’s a pretty good piece of advice: At the interview when you’re asked if you have any questions, have some. And make your inquiries something a little more insightful than, “Dude, how close will my desk be to a sports bar?” or “Yo, do you have a karaoke machine in the break room?”It’s about that time the suit with whom you’re interviewing will remind you it was hundreds of years ago when Copernicus discovered that the Earth orbits the sun, and that the universe does not rotate around you.Here’s what’s true. When Uncle Randy or someone like him is asking you a bunch of questions, you can rest assured I’m asking everyone pretty much the same questions. You can also be certain that your answers will be pretty much the same.What will set you apart will be the questions you ask when you’re asked for questions.Stuff like:• “You don’t really believe all that stuff in the papers about me, the leather tie-downs and the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, do you?” Real World Application: Bringing up possible misgivings the mid-lifer might have about you gives you a chance to deal with them right then. But you might want to take it easy on the leather tie-down stuff. The cheerleaders are OK.• “The last 17 people in this job were sold into slavery and brainwashed, and they’re campaign canvassing for Al Gore. What are the odds of this happening to me?” Real World Application: This one’s about turnover. What you really want to know is how many people want to grab this guy by the collar and barf into his shirt pocket. You also want to know whether they come to this state naturally or if they went postal and stormed into his office in frustration with their fingers stuck down their throats.• “Do I get some training for this job, or are you going to scream at me until I staple you to a cubicle divider and rip out your hair with duct tape?” Real World Application: Let’s talk training and advancement. It’s pretty clear that you want his job, or better yet his boss’s job so you can pour Super Glue on his bald spot and decorate his skull with yellowing 1960s Haight-Ashbury parking permits.And possibly this one:• “Describe for me the perfect person who joined the company, who is off to a great start and how much they’re like me?” Real World Application: This isn’t a hook-up. It’s either going to work out or it isn’t and a work day is way too much time to spend doing something you hate.Randy Wyrick was rebuffed this week by the Pulitzer Prize committee. Therefore, he’s starting his own intergalactic journalism awards contest, The Pullet Surprise. Send your nominations to rwyrick@cmnm.org.Vail, Colorado

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