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Z Blog " Imagine I’m your congressman

Matt Zalaznick

OK. Imagine I’m your congressman. Imagine I’ve survived the skeletons clattering out of the closet. Yes, I inhaled but I’ve never lied about my time on a swift boat or my tour in the Alabama National Guard.

Imagine you’ve entrusted me to bring home the pork and maintain the health of the nation. Well, before you pile up the pet projects ” the bridges to nowhere and the mountain monorails ” let me tell you what my priority will be now that I’ve lied and smeared my way into office. It’s my proposed amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

Here’s what it says:

Section 1: Homosexuals may marry each other, adopt kids, serve in the military, teach at public schools, be cowboys and play in the NFL. In fact, gay Americans have the right to do anything a straight American can, and no state may pass a law to the contrary. Not even Utah.

Section 2: All elected officials must spend at least a third of their time very worried about the environment.

Section 3: Reality shows can continue to be broadcast on T.V., but news organizations ” especially the Today Show ” can no longer report on the latest person booted off American Idol as if it’s important. In fact, T.V. news people can no longer mention American Idol or The Apprentice. That is not news. Casualties of war are news. Genocide in Darfur is news.

Section 4: The American military must always intervene when a genocide is occurring.

Section 5: Americans shall no longer care how much Tom loves Katie.

Section 6: Listening to country music, going to a NASCAR race or putting an American flag in your yard no longer makes someone patriotic. Voting, even in the smallest local water board election, is patriotic. Criticizing the government is patriotic and will henceforth be recognized as honorable behavior.

Section 7: Criticizing those who criticize the government is also honorable. Have fun at the Daytona 500.

Section 8: No one may tell an American woman what she may do with her body. In fact, Americans will be allowed to do whatever they want to their bodies ” even kill themselves if they’re so ill they don’t feel like being alive anymore.

Section 9: Gas companies, not the government, should send everyone $100 ” every week ” when they’re making record profits and gas costs more than $2.50 a gallon.

Section 10: Guns and the death penalty are banned until Americans can handle such grave responsibilities. We haven’t yet proven ourselves capable.

Section 11: Tailgating is a felony.

Section 12: No members of any religion may tell another American what to do.

Now that I’ve proposed my amendment, go ahead and impeach me before I turn into a professional politician.

Vail, Colorado


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