Zalaznick: Ban, baby, ban |

Zalaznick: Ban, baby, ban

Matt Zalaznick
Vail, CO Colorado

Liberals can no longer marry conservatives.

That’s right ” anyone who lives in a “red” state ( based on the recent presiden-tial election) will not be granted a marriage license if his or her intended comes from a state that gave its electoral votes to the Democrats.

Also, vegetarians can no longer marry meat eaters.

OK, none of that is true yet, but those restrictions could become law if Montana voters pass “Proposi-tion 12” in a special election lat-er this month.

Seems groups all over the country who want the Ameri-can marriage to conform to their own strange ideologies have been inspired by the ban-ning of gay nuptials in Arizona, California and Florida.

Consider also South Caroli-na. Activists are now gathering signatures to place on the ballot a complex law that would bar people of certain astrological signs from marrying each other. For instance, unions between the following would be prohibited: Libras and Virgos, Leos and Capricorns, Scorpios and Hob-bits, Jedis and Lilliputians and Romulans and Coneheads.

And then there’s Indiana, where a “fam-ily values” group wants to pass an amend-ment to the U.S. Constitution banning mar-riage between people who don’t want to ban gay marriage.

So there! Privacy and individual respon-sibly are out, while invasion of our person-al lives by big government is all the rage.

This whole “Ban, baby, ban!” mania doesn’t stop at marriage. An animal rights group in Maine is lobbying that state’s Leg-islature to pass a law making it illegal for “dog people” and “cat people” to go on dates, carpool or become each other’s Facebook friends.

And there is an effort in Vermont, the ski-ing capital of New England, to prevent skiers and snowboarders from either flirt-ing with each other in bars or sharing a beer in a hot tub. Skinny dipping in a hot tub with a disciple of the opposite discipline would become a felony punishable by prison time.

Yes, telling others how to behave is again the hot political platform. Because it’s not just behaviors that involve other people, such as relationships and splitting the cost of gas, that are being targeted for prohibition. It’s individual choice that’s also under siege.

For instance, a West Virginia political action committee is trying to outlaw the adoption by single, straight people of dogs who show homosexual tendencies, and vice versa. No straight pets for lonely gays and lesbians, either. The committee thinks the pets cannot be raised with the correct values by owners of alternative sex-ual persuasions.

This fervor has even been exported to American overseas territories. In Guam, an initiative gaining support would bar citi-zens from talking to their house plants about abortion, atheism or evolution.

The success of this movement in Guam has inspired groups in Maryland, Minneso-ta and Idaho to launch identical efforts.

Because in this time of war and global economic disaster, worrying about what other people are doing is a great way to take your mind off the collapse of the American Empire.

At least snowboarders and skiers won’t be cavorting when China calls in its trillion dollars worth of IOUs and takes over.

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