Zalaznick: Bill Clinton wins Iowa Caucus! |

Zalaznick: Bill Clinton wins Iowa Caucus!

Matt Zalaznick
Vail CO, Colorado

The Super Bowl has nothing on this year’s presidential election.

The NFL’s nine-hour pregame hypefest is a trifle compared to the media coverage of the race to replace George Bush, which began in 1963, when a 2-year-old Barack Obama revealed his unseemly ambition by clapping his hands after he colored in a picture of the White House.

(Note to Republicans and Clinton campaign: He colored it red and drew the American flag upside-down. Which means he’s a commie or at least unpatriotic. This can be used against him in attack ads.)

Along with news organizations, many states got swept up in the hype and tried to move their up primaries. Some unfortunate states were so eager to cast ballots before Iowa and New Hampshire that they got caught in a science fiction novel.

For instance: This summer New Jersey voted to move its primary to fall 2006, forcing citizens to vote by time machine. This move was endorsed aggressively by Dennis Kucinich, who got nearly all the votes from those who insisted they had traveled back through time to participate in the political process.

The votes not given to the Ohio ultra-liberal went to Luke Skywalker, Frodo and Tom Tancredo.

Someday, we can look forward to perpetual presidential election coverage. Chris Matthews will start prognosticating the race four years hence the morning after Election Day. Or earlier.

Why not ask Chelsea Clinton right away if she plans to run against Jenna Bush in 2020?

Why is the media so ga-ga over this election? I don’t believe it’s because reporters have been overcome with excitement to do their civic duty and inform the voters about the candidates and the issues. I think it’s the war. There are no new stories to tell in Iraq ” just continued mayhem, suicide attacks and depravation.

Americans have been watching this tired drama for four years. And Americans hate repeats. They’re savvy TV viewers.

They know there’s not much hope of a big change in plot, even if the writers end their strike.

But maybe we’re captivated by all the sizzling personalities trying to be our next commander in chief. And it’s those very personalities that can give us some insight into who might emerge victorious from Thursday’s Iowa caucuses.

Let’s start with the Republicans. They’ve got a platoon of virtual rock stars jamming for the nomination. That Mitt Romney really pushes the envelope ” all the way into a world of make-believe in which he believes he marched with Martin Luther King, saved the lives of firefighters on 9/11 and has always been against abortion and gay rights.

Mike Huckabee is the Ringo Starr of the group. Gregarious, easy to like from afar and oblivious. But thanks to W., being uniformed has become a characteristic Americans admire: Every time Huckabee says he’s not up on the latest intelligence on Iran or he can’t find Pakistan on a map, his poll numbers shoot up.

And Rudy Giuliani’s like the reclusive musical genius of the group. You never see him anymore. If he gets any less press, he’ll have to appear on one of those “What Ever Happened To?” shows.

For instance: Former Republican front-runner Rudolph Giuliani now spends his days whittling driftwood and annoying his neighbors in a small Maine town with statements that he once wanted to bomb Mexico … blah blah blah.

The Democrats are clearly the movie stars of this race. There’s well-dressed, impeccably coifed John Edwards playing the working poor. Well, it worked for W. ” the multi-multi-millionaire out sweatin’ and cuttin’ some brush on the ranch.

I can’t wait to see Edwards on an assembly line or trapped in a mine.

There’s Hillary Clinton playing whoever she happens to be talking to. She reminds veterans she voted for the war and will be tough on Iran.

She tells college students how the president abused the power he was given to wage the war on terror.

She promises environmentalists that she’ll turn off all the lights in the White House every night and vows to big business that if any humans are to blame for climate change, it’s only Osama and al-Qaida.

Finally, there’s Barack Obama playing a character out of one of those inspirational tales of academia, like “The Dead Poet’s Society.” Experience? Pshaw ” look where experience got Darth Cheney and Rummy. Allies? Who needs so many? If Pakistan, Bulgaria or Costa Rica deserve a bombing, than so be it.

So here’s my prediction: Just as the caucus is getting underway, Iowans move the event ahead to last Thanksgiving, both freaking out New Hampshire and causing a rift in the space-time continuum that repeals the 22nd Amendment and allows Bill Clinton to get into the race and win in a landslide, which in turn shuts down FOX News forever.

Assistant Managing Editor Matt Zalaznick can be reached at 748-2926, or

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