Zalaznick: Elect the tuna worshipper |

Zalaznick: Elect the tuna worshipper

Matt Zalaznick
Vail CO, Colorado

A candidate’s religious beliefs are by far his or her top qualifications for office ” particularly president of a nation where there is far too wide a gap between church and state.

The intensity of a politician’s faith ” especially its role in overcoming past moral slips like drug use, corrupt business deals or marital infidelity ” is a sure-fire indicator of truthfulness, good intentions and compassion for the little people.

Plus, faith means values and goodness and doing the right thing in all situations. People without faith have no values, can’t comprehend goodness and don’t know the difference between wrong and right because they have not learned how to behave by memorizing the edifying tales of the Most Benevolent Floating Xylophone.

Even worse, the faithless cannot be forgiven if, occasionally, they forget to live by those values and do evil things, like start a war or ignore the poor or stifle medical research that could improve that lives of countless suffering citizens.

Simply, a leader cannot be trusted to set education policy so future generations of Americans can compete, unless we, the American people, know just what he or she eats at their ceremonial feasts: lamb, squid, pterodactyl, bubble wrap?

I think a hearty appetite for raw, ritually glazed sloth cheeks is proof of a savvy mind that understands the complex needs of a diverse American student body who, thanks to the hordes of babbling immigrants flooding our schools, are falling dangerously behind in math and science (science, that is, that doesn’t conflict with the teachings of the Lava-Bearded Arch-Walrus of the Mojave).

Without a new generation of scientists, how will the United States lead the world in inventing, patenting and monopolizing the technology to solve big problems like global warming, drug-resistant diseases and disappearing oil?

Well, it doesn’t matter, because the Great Sparkling Garlic Press in the Sky is angry at us for allowing civil unions, reading Harry Potter books and buying hip-hop records, so the old Garlic Press is melting the ice caps and intensifying hurricanes and withering crops.

And there’s nothing we can do about it.

But it’s not just a question of whether someone believes. Every candidate says they believe. The rub is that some beliefs are just more reliable, more appropriate, more appealing to the heathens when it’s their turn to be converted.

Consider this: How else can you trust a person to protect the homeland or steer the economy unless his or her deity has extra arms or animal parts?

The more arms a vengeful god has the better when it comes to staring down the Iranians and the North Koreans and their budding nuclear arsenals.

Will a swarm of swirling limbs, even limbs with claws or hooks on the end of them, be enough to impress the ayatollahs? Hey, forget the candidate with the 12-armed god. We should vote for a believer whose almighty has the head of an alligator and shoots pitchforks out of its eyes.

And consider this: Are we going to have more confidence that a president can make sure all Americans have access to quality health care, affordable medication, sturdy infrastructure, clean air, safe streets and all the appropriate civil rights if he worships the Invisible Singing Tuna or if, instead, she faithfully wears neon scuba flippers every new moon as it is written in the Most Precious Book of Unpronounceable Limericks?

I’d vote for the tuna worshipper.

If you don’t understand why a tuna worshipper is more qualified to handle international trade policy and appoint suitable, pro-tuna judges to the Supreme Court you never will, you infidel.

Assistant Managing Editor Matt Zalaznick can be reached at 748-2926, or

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