Zalaznick: I’ll treat the planet however I like |

Zalaznick: I’ll treat the planet however I like

Matt Zalaznick
Vail, CO Colorado

Bring my own bags to the supermarket? You’ve got to be kidding me.

It’s my right as an American to carry my pork rinds home in plastic bags that will be fluttering in landfills for hundreds of years after I’m dead and gone. But some tree huggers want to either tax or ban what I think is a very convenient way to carry my groceries home.

That doesn’t sound like good old American instant gratification ” forcing me to remember my cloth bags. ‘Cause there’s a lot of remembering to do: You’ve got to remember to put them back in the car after you’ve carried them into the house, and then you’ve got to bring the bags into the supermarket or corner store every time you buy something.

I can remember my Blackberry, sure, and my Bluetooth headset, but cloth bags? Good grief. What’s next? I have to put “compact fluorescent lights” in those cloth bags because good-old light-bulbs, which have illuminated the homeland for decades, take up too much energy?

I read they contain mercury and mercury’s bad for you or something. And if one of those screwy-looking things breaks, you have to call the hazardous materials squad to come clean it up, right?

Speaking of cleaning up, my house is a mess ” or it would be a mess if I kept all those bottles and cans lying around like they recycle-Nazis want me to. I go through a lot of 2-liter bottles, and if I keep them crammed in the pantry until I have time to drop by the recycling bins (which really aren’t on the way to work) there wouldn’t be any room for all those newspapers I’m not supposed to put in the Dumpster.

So I’m forced to trash all of it. They say I should worry about flooding the landfill, but it’s not like I can see it from my house ” or even from the top of Vail Mountain or I-70. And the air look’s pretty clear up there ” from the summit, I mean. They say my Ford F-150’s pouring greenhouse gases into the sky and heating up the planet, but it’s been plenty cold this winter.

Doesn’t look like the snow’s going anywhere, either. That means we’ll have lots of the good old wet stuff in the spring, so darn those watering restrictions. Everyone knows they’re just another way for big government to keep from us what’s rightfully ours .

The Blame-Humans-First crowd crows that our continued high quality of life depends on me remembering my cloth bags and going out of my way to dump a crate of Coke cans in the recycling bin when everyone knows it all ends up in the landfill, anyway.

If you want to talk about quality of life, talk to me about traffic. It’s getting ridiculous. Isn’t it about time we added two or three lanes to I-70 and Highway 6?

Don’t we need a few more ways to get to I-70 in Edwards and Eagle? Vail has three exits ” what about the rest of us taxpayers?

Because I’m not getting any use out of the National Forest. They call it public land,

but the same people who want to control my water use don’t want me riding my ATV through the woods.

At least I may get to shoot some bears. They may have been here first, this may be their so-called “natural environment,” but they’re trespassing on our property now and the law, at least for now, is still on our side.

Assistant Managing Editor Matt Zalaznick can be reached at 748-2926, or

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