Zalaznick: Is President Bush sulking? |

Zalaznick: Is President Bush sulking?

Matt Zalaznick
Vail CO, Colorado

There used to be a jabbering, wannabe cowboy cutting brush around here somewhere.

But we ain’t seen high nor low of him lately. Ain’t even heard much’a his yodelin’ about bombing Iran or how them lib’ril’s are emboldenin’ the bad guys by wantin’ the troops to come home.

Even for a lame duck, W. seems to have flown the coop (and we’ll get no help from Darth Cheney, because Dr. Evil and his birdshot are even harder to find).

Sure, W. drops a veto here and there, reminds us democracy’s taking hold in Baghdad, but I think he’s simply over being president. I mean, it wasn’t the eight-year super-powered frat party he’d expected when he volunteered to become the anti-Clinton.

Even waging war didn’t turn out to be as much fun as Rummy and the neo-cons said it would be. W. expected a simple, black-and-white, good-triumphs-over-evil story ” perhaps Arnold Schwarzenegger could play him in the movie.

But all W. got in return for the stress of making the toughest decision a president can make were unhelpful allies, religious factions, terrorists, insurgents, ayatollahs, foreign fighters, Kurds, insufficiently armored soldiers and Marines, withdrawing Spaniards, roadside bombs, criminal prison guards, murderous private contractors and not even a single statue of himself from the Iraqi people thanking him for liberating them.

And Katrina ” well, W. wasn’t at all inconvenienced by the storm or the flood or the looting or the violence or the depravation, but it sure made him look like a jerk when he was just trying to enjoyed hard-earned vacation. I mean, he only wanted to pretend to be compassionate. He didn’t think any of us would expect him get down in the muck of the Ninth Ward and do some actual rescuing, or use his office to marshal the vast resources of the federal government to bring comfort to our fellow Americans or anything like that.

He might have visited NoLa sooner if all the piles of rubble on which he could have stood triumphantly with a bullhorn and surrounded by firefighters hadn’t been submerged under several feet of water.

So rather than burnish an already sterling legacy, W. seems to have checked out. Having revolutionized the government’s role in health care by rushing to the aid of Terri Schiavo, he simply has no energy left to help the working poor cover their millions of uninsured children.

Do we think he’s Superman or something? Is he supposed to come running every time the homefront is troubled, threatened or globally warmed?

W. put that whole defeatist climate change hubbub to rest, anyway.

While that loser Al Gore was taking out his grudge against the Florida Supreme Court by scaring us all to death with his award-winning films, W. was light-years ahead. He calmed us all down by reminding us that “theories” like global warming, evolution and energy conservation need some more looking into.

So why overreact and hassle the auto industry? If they have to improve efficiency or lower emissions Americans will pay the price: more expensive cars. The auto industry also has warned that if it has to be cleaner, it may restrict the number of models it produces.

Thanks to W., our freedom of choice has been preserved.

W.’s too devout a worshipper of small government to use his influence to get automakers to start to think about maybe considering writing up some non-binding ideas about changing business practices those lily-livered liberals say are messing up the planet. What do they want, another Great Depression?

W. knows to leave corporate America be. The market is wise, especially when its gobbling up unprecedented profits. W.’s too busy with certainties, anyway ” get those Ten Commandments up in every courthouse and classroom in the Land of the Free.

In truth, W. did us all a favor when it comes to the environment ” but there’s no Nobel Prize given for sticking to one’s beliefs in the face of overwhelming evidence.

And if one of those ingrates like Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton is given the opportunity to steal the Shrub’s place in the Oval Office by saying he left a mountain of problems behind, we probably didn’t deserve a great leader like W., anyway.

He didn’t have to waste eight years earning a public-service salary. He could’ve gotten himself elected to the boards of Halliburton and Exxon Mobil and raked in the profits while John McCain tried to catch Osama and topple Saddam.

McCain would’ve have it easy. He had military experience. We should thank ” or at least admire ” W. for taking us to war without knowing what he was doing.

Assistant Managing Editor Matt Zalaznick can be reached at 748-2926, or

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