Zalaznick: USA needs 1 more year of W.
Vail CO, Colorado
I’m looking forward to voting for our next president, Barack Obama, but not just yet.
The United States ” and the planet ” needs another year or so of George W. Bush’s sterling leadership just in case there are any hurricanes, earthquakes, flu epidemics or other natural disasters to respond compassionately to.
For instance, if Los Angeles is demolished by an earthquake, who’d want President John Edwards rushing to the scene to work at a relief center and making all the poor people feel uncomfortable around his $400 haircut?
W. understands that because the wages of most workers aren’t rising, the free meals served at the emergency shelter are better than what “those people” usually eat. The president, therefore, should stay in D.C. to ensure economic conditions for the working don’t improve to the point where they eat better when they’re not evacuating.
And what if the intelligence on Iran’s uranium non-enrichment programs continues not to fit the president’s plans to help people forget the quagmire in Iraq by creating an even bigger fiasco next door?
I don’t think Hillary Clinton, no matter how hawkish she pretends to be, will be willing cram the intelligence into her worldview in a Rumsfeldian feat of national delusion. Because the Democrats just don’t understand that when a nation has the blues, nothing charges up the homeland like blaming it all on unpatriotic terrorists and pre-empetively kicking someone other than the actual terrorists’ butt.
(Because the real terrorists are a little more menacing than Saddam, and less easy to drag out of their hidey-holes.)
I mean, what will Hillary do to lift our spirits? Try to give all children health care? That won’t come with any explosions or dead terrorists unless her war against HMOs ” like W.’s in Iraq ” spawns its own branch of al-Qaida.
But managed-health care executives ” though perhaps greedy and heartless ” aren’t half the bad guys an enraged Hezbollah would be. I mean, cutting into the profits of pharmaceutical companies? Hardly the spark that leads to World War III.
Speaking of World War III ” what a legacy. But that’s not to say W. isn’t leaving we, the people (and our historians) a bunch of awesome achievements (other than starting World War III) by which to remember him.
I mean, he’ll be remembered as the environmental president. He, unlike all those tree-hugging liberals, understood that the country wasn’t ready for a green revolution. Had we elected Al Gore, the Nobel Laureate might have forced us to start driving hybrids and conserving water and installing solar panels when we hadn’t even had a chance to drive an H2.
W. realized we, as a nation, still had, say, eight years of gas-guzzling and greenhouse-gas spewing left in us. So, he didn’t try to cramp our style, and did us a favor ” he pushed society so close to the edge of environmental crisis, we now have no choice but to make drastic lifestyle changes under our next leader.
Letting us learn from our own ecological mistakes is such a great example of small government, such compassionate conservatism, particularly because these kinds of mistakes, of course, earn W.’s buddies in the energy industry tankerloads of cash.
W. should also be remembered as the president who united the country after the optimism and economic prosperity of those dark, sexually depraved Clinton years. W. realized the nation was just feeling rotten about rising wages, technological superiority and its glowing global reputation around the turn of the century.
Luckily for W., Sept. 11 came along to send into the stratosphere what had already been a pretty remarkable, achievement-riddled presidency. W. found a country ” already reeling from the blows of Clinton-era successes ” battered suddenly by a terrorist attack and realized we were dying to be asked to come together and help the nation recover.
National sacrifice? A environmental movement? A renewed focus on education and scientific exploration?
There’d be no such, feel-good liberal nonsense for W., who told his citizens to A) spend, spend, spend their stagnant paychecks, B) cover themselves with flags while discriminating against, among others, gay Americans, C) place religion over science in our schools, and D) worry more about one hopelessly sick Florida woman than all the casualties coming home from Iraq.
As we head into an uncertain 2008 ” as we face rising temperatures, an aimless war, failed foreign policies, patient terrorists, students who stink at math ” can we do without such visionary leadership?
I only wish Jeb was a candidate.
Assistant Managing Editor Matt Zalaznick can be reached at 748-2926, or firstname.lastname@example.org.