Carnes: From presidential indiscretions to deer crossings, signs of confusion are everywhere (column)
Real life can be so darn confusing.
We, the American people, are expected to believe our legally elected President Donald Trump repaid his “fixer” lawyer for a “non-disclosure agreement” he knew nothing about to a porn star he never had sex with over an affair that never happened.
OK, cool, I think I get it, or maybe I will sometime in the distant future.
There are so many things in today’s world, even here in Happy Valley, that appear to make perfect sense to some, yet are completely illogical to us everyday Joes and Josephines.
Did you know, for instance, that no cellphones are allowed at the county dump just north of Wolcott? Yep, signs say as much, although I fail to see why I could not call my wife one more time to make sure dumping my childhood collection of Playboys was a good idea.
I asked the nice lady in the booth why (about the cellphone, not the magazines), and she simply shrugged her shoulders and said something questionably positive about government regulations.
My confusion at the county dump continued when I came across multiple speed limit signs for 14 ½ mph. Not 14 or 15, or any number divisible by 5, as one would expect, but 14 and a friggin’ half. I can’t speak for everyone, but my speedometer has no decimal points.
The nice lady in the booth had no answer for this question, either, but I’m pretty sure she was happy I departed after dumping my load.
Another confusing sign of my personal viewing occurred up in Wildridge, where my bride and I recently moved after a few decades of life down in the Homestead area of the nonexistent “town” of Edwards.
As most know, two severe hairpin turns are required to enter or exit the northern enclave of Avon known as Wildridge.
When heading down, in between the two hairpins, there is a deer-crossing sign, only it is unlike any deer crossing sign most of us have ever seen, or any animal-crossing sign, for that matter.
What makes this sign different, you ask? (I’m sure you are asking by this point)
Wildridge deer are a domestic bunch (or “herd,” if you wish to be technical about it), and they are not content to be shown as merely “standing still” on a signpost.
Wildridge deer like their signage to include action, a distinct verbal clue as to how they apparently get from A to B and, in this particular case (or sign, as it were), is the universal gesture for flatulence.
Yes, a giant gust of gustative gas can be seen escaping from the backside of said deer on said sign as one heads down the hill toward the valley floor.
Look for yourself. I promise it was still there as of Mother’s Day.
Call me crazy, but my guess is it will not remain there much longer.
Anyway, the point is to express my confusion, or perhaps lack of understanding, of so much occurring in today’s world.
I mean, if a president cuts down a cherry tree in a forest of porn stars, should it make a sound, or should we just let sleeping dogs lay?
Or is it lie?
It’s all so confusing.
Richard Carnes, of Edwards, writes weekly. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.