Carnes: Happy Valley helpful holiday hints
Whether you are just arriving for the holidays (Welcome!) or if you have lived around here for a few years or even a few decades, the following tips are presented to assist all in enjoying your very own semi-private Winter Wonderland for the next two weeks.
Just remember “assist” can also be a facetious term.
This is the time of year when driveways become increasingly smaller. Not actual shrinkage, but due to inefficient plowing and shoveling. The proverbial exception to the rule is the City Market parking lot in Avon, which actually does get smaller.
Unlike skiing downhill, where two legs and two poles work in concert to help keep ones speed in check, four-wheel drive and all-wheel drive does diddly squat to help one’s vehicle stop from sliding into the vehicle or, in East Vail, the Bighorn sheep directly in front of them.
Common sense is quicker than brakes.
Like the Broncos or Cowboys winning a Super Bowl, the odds of a public bus ending up on its side in the Eagle River are extremely low. Take advantage of our public buses whenever possible.
Not every U-Haul truck this time of year has a passenger waving a gun. Chances are it belongs to UPS (Usually Prompt Santa’s) and they are delivering gifts.
Allow them extra room on the road.
A quick tutorial on roundabouts:
If there are two lanes leading into the roundabout, the right lane is usually right turn only, but some have signs allowing the right lane to also go straight. Do what the sign says, but never — ever — use a left blinker.
Doing so only serves to scare the hell of the driver behind you, who thinks you’re about to actually turn left into the roundabout.
This is what’s known as a “mountain town no-no.”
While Disney’s “Mandalorian” is a rather lame attempt at prolonging the Star Wars refusing-to-end world, Baby Yoda is the cutest thing on TV since Rudolph.
And speaking of Rudolph, I hope you’ve watched, or plan to, his original red-nosed adventure, the original “Grinch,” original “Frosty the Snowman” and the original “Charlie Brown Christmas.”
Each of the respective sequels and do-overs sucked worse than appreciation on affordable housing units.
Everyone over the age of 40 knows the three simple steps of dealing with a string of Christmas lights that do not work properly:
- Unplug, being careful to not disturb the delicate Chinese wiring.
- Toss in the nearest trash can.
- Drive to Walmart or Home Depot and purchase new ones.
If you send yourself an email reminder for a specific Christmas gift, there is a good chance Google will tag it as spam and you’ll never see it.
Check your spam box often.
Not sure if this applies across the valley, but the Avon Post Office no longer puts yellow slips in your box when you have a package too large to fit into your box.
They are now blue.
And although we do our best to ignore the real world, especially during this time of the year:
Republicans, Trump will be impeached; deal with it.
Democrats, Trump will be acquitted; deal with it.
But we can all wait until next year to deal with any of it.
Enjoy the holidays.
Richard Carnes, of Avon, writes weekly. He can be reached at email@example.com.