Carnes: Merry ChaosMas, here’s my wishes for people heading closing out 2018 (column)
In spite of the never-ending chaos being constantly perpetrated upon us all by those elected blowhards in Washington D.C., we’re still here, surrounded by friends, family and snow.
Let’s make the best of it.
Also here is my 2018 list of what I wish for the following people, groups or intangible esoteric “things” to find underneath their respective Christmas tree/Allah bush/whatever shrub this morning:
U.S. troops currently in Syria and Afghanistan: A preemptive “Welcome home.”
Members of ISIS: We know you’re still there, don’t get too comfortable.
John Kelley and Jim Mattis: A thank you card for trying.
Rudy Giuliani: A no thank you card and a muzzle.
Robert Mueller: A February for the record books.
Americans: A Presidents Day that no one will ever forget.
American allies: Patience, as we’re dealing with the temper tantrum twit(ter) as quickly as the law will allow.
Michael’s Flynn and Cohen: An opportunity to point at “Individual 1” and shout, “Lock him up!”
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: A conscience.
Jeff Sessions: Roy Moore for a roommate in a Deep South retirement home.
Stephen Miller: A hairpiece made in Mexico.
Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh: The realization that your performance art does not — or at least should not — have any direct influence on public policy.
The now defunct Trump Foundation: A donation form to send your remaining funds to the Clinton Foundation.
Republican Party: An honest candidate for 2020.
Democrat Party: A baggage-free candidate for 2020.
Incoming members of Congress: True representation for all your constituents.
Incoming members of the Senate: See above.
Outgoing members of both: One giant lump of coal to equally share.
Lindsey Vonn: A chance to make (even more) history.
Michaela Shiffrin: You’ve already reached legendary status, just keep doing that voodoo — that you do — so well.
Austin and the staff at The Westin Athletic Club: My sincere thanks for making my family feel welcome in a new gym.
New Avon Mayor Sarah Smith Hymes: A first term unfettered by an old dilapidated barn.
The handful of folks who blew the line about Beaver Creek buses way out of perspective: A Colorado Mountain College lesson in reading comprehension and the realization that I have been riding those buses for 34 years (poking fun at the pretentiousness of Beaver Creek is one of my never-ending pursuits).
Denver Broncos: A graceful end to another frustrating season.
Vilar Performing Arts Center: A respectable name change (I’ve been asking for this since 2005).
Happy Valley: Snowfall for the record books.
Happy Valley guests: See above, plus we sincerely hope you enjoy everything else Happy Valley has to offer.
My three boys and daughter-in-law: Yeah, you’ll receive stuff, but realize you don’t really need any of it.
Lise Carnes: Whatever she wants that’s common sense appropriate.
Those wanting to ban religious displays at Christmas: Half a lump of coal.
Those wanting to force religious displays at Christmas: The other half.
My secular friends: Another year of helping others discover rational thought while enjoying a life free from dogmatic delusions and fears.
My sectarian friends: Another year of discovering rational thought to overcome your childhood indoctrinated dogmatic delusions and fears.
And for everyone, I sincerely hope you receive whatever you wish for, as long as that wish is logical, affordable, reasonable, promotes alternative energy, environmentally friendly, feels right, leaves no one else in debt, helps our sinking economy, promotes charitable organizations, is gluten-free and does not offend Allah, Mithra, Jesus or whatever mythical being your parents told you to believe in.
And in spite of all the chaos, please remember one doesn’t have to believe in magic to enjoy the magic of Christmas.
Richard Carnes, of Edwards, writes weekly. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.