Carnes: Wishing a little something for everyone this year for the holiday season (column)
With no room to waste, here is my 2017 list of what I wish for the following people, groups or intangible esoteric “things” to find underneath their respective Christmas tree/Allah bush/Whatever shrub next Monday morning, Dec. 25:
• Members of ISIS: A yarmulke full of coal and continued self-implosion.
• Citizens of North Korea: A leader that does not put himself above all others while at the same time threatening to start another unwinnable war.
• Citizens of America: See above.
• Citizens of the United Kingdom: Patience, as we’re dealing with the twittering narcissistic child as quickly as the law will allow.
• Trump District Court Judge nominees: A copy of “Lawyering for Dummies.”
• Roy Moore: A Jewish career consultant.
• Little girls: The ability to sit on Santa’s lap without the need for a lawyer present.
• Young ladies: The confidence to confront anyone over potential sexual misconduct, regardless of the circumstance of the moment.
• #MeToo movement: My apologies as a male for your existence.
• Bit-Coin investors: The ROI you deserve.
• Real market investors: The ROI algorithms decide for you.
• Michel Flynn: An opportunity to point at Trump and shout, “Lock him up!”
• John Kelly and Rex Tillerson: A future devoid of constantly making excuses for your pretend boss.
• Sarah Huckabee Sanders: See above, but let’s include a conscience, as well.
• Jeff Sessions: A box — no, make it a crate — of “memory enhancement”’ pills.
• FBI: More reasons to continue doing your job.
• Robert Mueller: See above, plus even more reasons to speed up the process.
• Omarosa: A quick book deal, but if not, just please go away.
• The lower class: A break.
• The middle class: A tax cut without an expiration date.
• The upper class: You don’t need anything; just shut up and be happy.
• Republicans: A reality check on your overly pessimistic outlook for the future.
• Democrats: A reality check on your overly optimistic outlook for the future.
• American voters: A reality check on both of the above.
• Atlanta Airport: One billion solar panels with battery backup.
• State of Alabama: MAGA (Making Alabama Great Again) hats for everyone! Oh, and welcome back to the Union.
• State of California: A long-parked low-pressure system full of moisture.
• Lindsey Vonn: More winning reasons to ignore CNN, Fox and social media haters.
• My fantasy football team: A full recovery from its fantasy concussion.
• Denver Broncos: A graceful end to a frustrating season.
• Vilar Performing Arts Center: A respectable name change.
• Happy Valley: Measurable snowfall.
• Happy Valley guests: See above, plus we sincerely hope you enjoy everything else Happy Valley has to offer.
• My three boys and daughter-in-law: Although you will receive gifts, I wish for you to have another year of knowing you do not really need any.
• Lise Carnes: Whatever she wants (within reason).
• My secular friends: Another year of helping others discover rational thought while enjoying a life free from dogmatic delusions and fears.
• My sectarian friends: The realization that you don’t have to believe in magic to enjoy the magic of Christmas.
And for everyone else, I sincerely hope you receive whatever you wish for, as long as that wish is logical, affordable, reasonable, promotes the use of alternative fuels, helps the environment, the economy, makes you feel good about yourself, leaves no one else in debt, promotes charitable organizations and does not offend anyone unworthy of being offended.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
P.S. Hope really hard for snow. It won’t have any effect, of course, but will help you sleep at night.
Richard Carnes, of Edwards, writes weekly. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.